Inventions…

I (Carrot) asked the team if they would mind if I sent some really good ideas to different companies in search of a partner to help with some of my brilliant and original inventions. It turns out they did mind and thought it best if theDIHEDRAL wasn’t associated with any of my unconventional creations.  SO, I did what anyone in my position would do…I invented an alias, created a Google account, got a burner phone, and got rejected or ignored by every company I reached out to.

This is how it all went down and turned out!!!

Friends of theDIHEDRAL, I introduce to you Xander McConnell (husband, climber, faux chef, traveler, inventor), and his top 8 inventions¹.

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 Idea #1:Putting Climbing Rubber on cowboy boots.

Friends at Lost Soles Climbing.²

I recently moved to the great state of Texas from the great state of Colorado, and needless to say I am a rock climber.  I am doing my best to try and fit in down here and I’m really embracing The Cowboy Way. I recently bought my 1st pair of cowboy boots, and they are pretty worthless when it comes to approach shoes. I’m wondering if it’s possible to re-sole them with Stealth Rubber.  I know it’s a strange request, but hopefully it can be done.  Please let me know if this is an option and how much it will cost.

Thank you,

Xander

REPLY:NO REPLY!

XANDER’S THOUGHTS: This seems about right!

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Idea #2: Climbing Helmet and Cowboy Hat have a love child.

Hello Good Friends at Az Tex Hat Company,

My name is Xander McConnell.  I am from Flagstaff, and as you probably guessed that means I’m a rock climber, but being from a family of ranchers, some of my family thinks it’s kind of weird that I rock climb.  With that being said I was wondering if it’s possible to modify my climbing helmet to look more like a cowboy hat?  I use a Petzl Boreo climbing helmet, and I am hoping you could maybe add just the brim. I was looking at the brim styles from the old west collection, and obviously the John Wayne style is the way to go.

Please let me know if this is possible and how much this would cost.

Thanks a million,

Xander

REPLY: Hi Xander,

 Thanks for the inquiry.  We cannot add a western brim to a helmet.

 Sincerely,

 Heather

Customer Service

XANDER’S THOUGHTS: How can we know unless we try?

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 Idea #3: Dehydrated Pickles

VlasicPickles are my favorite, and you guys are seriously the best, I go through 2 jars of pickles a week, but I am also a through hiker and rock climber, and so carrying that much weight in a backpack is really tough.  I love the electrolyte replacement that pickles offer me as well; it really is a climbers dream food.  Again the problem is weight.  Constantly carrying 10kg of pickles in my back is so hard, which leads to my question, do you guys have any plans to start making dehydrated pickles?  I think this would seriously be a huge hit in the climbing community.  You could even call them climbing pickles or something like that?  Anyway, let me know what you think? I hope this is something you already have in the works.  My back and legs will be grateful!

Xander McConnell

REPLY: Dear Mr & Mrs Mcconnell,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We love hearing feedback on ways to enhance our products to better meet the needs of our consumers. The insight is invaluable!

On a continual basis, we assess our product ingredients, packaging, advertising, preparation suggestions and recipes in order to provide the best overall quality experience. Our team gathers insights from a wide array of perspectives but of course loyal users like you provide the most relevant insight as you use the product regularly and have a vested interest in making it better. Please be assured your feedback will be incorporated into our next review.

Thank you again for your time and interest in helping us provide a better product.

Sincerely,

Carla

Brand Ambassador

XANDER’S THOUGHTS: I love that you assume that my made up alias has a wife! (Do I hear a part II coming?)

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Idea #3:Your recipes can help me maintain my lies! (or rather my lies within a lie)

Hi KraftFoods, My name is Xander McConnell,

I recently made a few new friends, and they are really into hiking and rock climbing, and camping.  All that stuff is really cool to me as well, it’s just I’ve never done any of it before. I kind of exaggerated about my proficiency in camping, and agreed to spend 2 weeks camping with them over Christmas Break.  Whenever we talk about what kind of climbing I like to do while camping I say that I usually just stay back and do the cooking on the open fire!  I also said I love to see people enjoy the food that I made them after a long day of working on the trail rocks.  Now I have been designated the official camp cook, and I’m screwed, because I cook as well as I climb (I don’t actually do either).  I know I sound like a horrible person for lying to people who I really enjoy, but I’m pretty sure they would have never given me a chance if they knew I was a square.

Long story short, I need help!  My sister (a mom of 6) told me that you guys often have quick recipes and food for situations like this.  SO can you please send me some recipes and ingredients and ideas to keep a group of hungry climbers from finding out I’m a fraud?

I promise if you help me get through this I’ll tell the truth as soon as the trip is over! I can’t wait to see what you come up with!!!

Thanks for the support, we got this!

Xander

REPLY: Your feedback is very important and we’ll do our best to respond to your inquiry as quickly as possible.

Thank you –

Kraft Consumer Relations

 REPLY #2: Hi Xander,

 Thank you for visiting http://www.kraftrecipes.com/.

Thanks for looking to us as your source for recipes! I’d be glad to take a look for you in our recipe database.

We also have a large selection of recipes available on the www.kraftfoods.com website.  We make changes to our product formulas on a regular basis. Ingredient lists can become outdated very quickly, so, we don’t maintain them.  We do have an online tool that lists the label information on some of our products. Just visit www.kraftfoods.com and then click on the product information tab.  Please remember that the best source of information for you is the ingredient statement on the product that you have purchased.  If you haven’t done so already, please add our site to your favorites and visit us again soon!

Sincerely,

Rama Rengarajan


Director, Consumer Relations

XANDER’S THOUGHTS: When you ask a corporation for advice, they basically say Google it!  I wonder what would happen if you ask Google the company for advice?  You know who else may want to know?  Mrs. McConnell! 

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 Idea#4: A collapsible toilet seat

Dear BemisToilet Seats,

I am a big wall climber and inventor, I’m not sure if you have ever seen any big wall climbing, but as you might imagine, using the restroom from 1,000′ in the air is an interesting experience.  I have been working on a collapsible seat design that is light and small to carry, and also works as an accessory to a portaledge.  I think with the popularity of climbing it may be a really useful addition to any climbers rack.  If this is something you may be interested buying/selling, then let’s talk.  If not, do you have any recommendations for another contact to write?

Respectfully,

Xander

REPLY: NO REPLY!

XANDER’S THOUGHTS: This is actually a good idea, any patent attorney’s out there want to team up?

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 Idea #5: Foods in Tubes!

Hello to all my friends at Yoplait!

My name is Xander McConnell, I grew up on Go-Gurt portable yogurt, blue was always my favorite flavor, still is in fact.  I can practically taste it just thinking about it!  First of all maybe I should thank you for creating such a versatile product, Go-Gurt is so packable, mess-free, and travel friendly that I have been inspired to ask that you think about expanding the Go-Gurt family.  See I am actually an alpinist, who regularly relies on Go-Gurt for long-term projects, the light-weight packaging is everything.  But despite the convenience, the menu is limited.  Is there anyway that you guys might think about expanding to the packaged tube concept to something like milk, or peanut putter, or oatmeal.  I know it’s more of an adult based product, but my generation grew up on Go-Gurt, and so I think there would be a market for it, especially with outdoor adventure enthusiasts like myself. Seriously I would be all about Go-Nutbutter, Go-Milk, or Go-Oatmeal.

Just a thought, hopefully it’s worth some consideration!

Xander

REPLY: Dear Xander,

Thank you for contacting Yoplait. We appreciate your interest in sharing your idea with us.

We appreciate that you have taken the time to tell us about your product preference. Our research and development group relies on the data collected during market research activities, in addition to the feedback we receive from our consumers to identify potential new products and packaging.

Before any new product is released to market, we conduct extensive analysis and testing to determine if it will meet our quality standards; and, ultimately, the expectations and preferences of our consumers.

Thank you again for contacting us. We appreciate your interest.

Sincerely,
Gerardo Benson

XANDER’S THOUGHTS: If Go-Oatmeal becomes a thing, then I’m throwing a party and all of you are invited! Goatmeal for everybody!

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 Idea#6: More Tubed Food, this one is FIRE!

 Hello Friends at Jif!

I am such a huge fan of your peanut butter I’m not sure I can even put it into words, seriously my favorite food in the world!  As you probably know PB is one of the most popular foods in the climbing community, it’s pretty easy, clean, packed with protein, and straight up delicious! As you probably don’t know I am a rock climber.  As a rock climber, my one complaint about the oral gold you produce is the way it’s packaged. It’s very difficult to eat when you are literally hanging on the side of a rock face, who has time to pack a knife, and it’s too oily to put on your finger when you are in the middle of a climb, believe me I have tried.  So my question is this…can you perhaps package peanut butter in a similar fashion to toothpaste?  If I could squeeze PB directly into my mouth, without having to break out any utensils it could be a game changer.  I mean why does toothpaste run the market on tubed delights.  Imagine a period when toothpaste came in a jar, you can’t right? Maybe there will be a day when people can’t imagine a time that PB came in a jar.  Anyway, let me know what you think about tubed PB.

You guys are the best!

Xander

REPLY: Dear Mr. McConnell, 

Thanks for contacting us regarding Jif®. We greatly appreciate your interest in our Company and products.

Consumer feedback plays an important part in the improvement of our products, and we appreciate the time you have taken to contact us. Your comments have been forwarded to the appropriate team.

Thank you for being a loyal Jif® consumer. We hope that you enjoy our products for years to come. If you have any additional questions, feel free to visit us at jif.com or give us a call at 800-283-8915.

Sincerely,

Susan
Consumer Relations Representative

XANDER’S THOUGHTS: This may be the greatest idea I’ve ever had, how is this not a thing?  Come on Jif,let’s make this happen!

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Idea#7:Memory Foam Crash Pad

Hello to all my friends at Serta,

I am a rock climber, and as you may know an important aspect of climbing is the crash pad (it’s used as soft landing spot in case of falls off lower rocks called boulders).  The problem with most crash pads is that they are very bulky and often take up a lot of space during travel, which in turn causes climbers to leave other amenities at home away from camp and crag.  Amenities like a comfy bed!  With that being said I was wondering if you might be interested working with me to design a memory foam crash pad that can double as a camp bed.  This could be huge for dirtbags (folks who live in the spaces they climb/ski/etc…) and huge for weekend warriors who would love a comfortable place to sleep and a heavenly landing spot for the times they slip off the rock.  For a company that literally makes dreams happen, why limit those dreams to the bedroom, when we can bring those dreams to the outdoors.

Thanks for reading, let me know when you want to get started,

Xander!

REPLY: NO REPLY!

XANDER’S THOUGHTS: I oversold the juxtaposition of literal and figurative uses of ‘dream’, I’m willing to admit when Xander is wrong!  This product however would be a dream!

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Idea #8: The Office meet The Auto-belay!

 Dearest friends at NBC,

I only have 500 characters, and so much to say, I don’t want to waste any space.  So let me get right to the main point of reaching out to you today.  The specific reason I am writing is to let you know of an amazing idea I had for a new TV show.  I’m sure you get 1,000’s of ideas like this all the time, which is probably why we are limited to 500 characters, I get it!  But without further ado, here is my idea, who wouldn’t love a The Office style show at a climbing gym?

(No room for my name, I used 442 of my 500 characters on something other than my “great” idea)

REPLY: Thanks for reaching out – your feedback helps make NBC‘s show better for everyone. Please keep in mind that we can’t forward emails and we cannot accept, consider or pay for any unsolicited creative ideas or materials. Thanks for watching NBC!

 XANDER’S THOUGHTS: Really NBC…Can’t?  Or won’t! Also this show would be highly watchable…if anyone out there is ready to shoot the pilot, let me know.  Of course we can’t email it to NBC, because they can’t forward emails and cannot accept, consider or pay for any unsolicited creative ideas or materials. Thanks for watching NBC!

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1. While I now realize that none of these inventions were what most would consider great, if there is anyone out there who wants to work together on any of these, Xander can be reached at xander.mcconnell2@gmail.com
2. If you’ve never had the opportunity to redact, what are you waiting for, this was so fun that I’m surprised there’s not a redact tax!