I have been talking to one of my classes about Star Wars recently. I am not even remotely close to a Star Wars expert or aficionado, so I yield all thoughts to their expertise. They have convinced me that Star Wars should only include 4-6 and 1-3. That is essentially meaningless to me as I have not been keeping up with anything in the canon. That being said, I decided to help the world out by reworking the storyline of Star Wars Episode VI so that it would be easier for the folks at Lucas Films and Disney to transition into a more acceptable series sequel.
My goal was to give antagonist Darth Vader a more fulfilling story arc in which we could see him rise to the level of protagonist moving forward. I wanted to present the character in a more personable light. Someone we could all relate to, at least in some respects.
I’m sure some of the diehard Star Wars fans might not embrace this new direction, but as they say in Star Wars “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
This new correcting scene should be understood as parody, just in case someone at Disney takes issue with it. However, if you are from Lucas Films or Disney and wish to hire me as a writer for any future Star Wars related content, I am happy to help, my info can be found in our bio!
Enjoy this new scene and this new direction!
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
STAR WARS:
Episode VI – THE ASCENT OF DARTH VADER
Legendary cyborg, Darth Vader seeks an unconventional path to power. His quest for dominance takes a daring turn as he discovers the thrill of the climb.
As the dark clouds of the Force loom, Vader scales the treacherous cliffs of a distant planet, defying gravity, and his own demons. With every ascent, he harnesses newfound strength and determination, making him an even more formidable adversary to the Rebel Alliance.
But as Vader reaches new heights in the world of climbing, he also finds unexpected allies, a profound connection with nature, and a new enemy conjuring forces darker than even he could imagine. The red tape brought upon by the new administration implemented by Vader himself represents an adversary so great, so powerful, and so dark that it threatens the existence of the entire galaxy.
Location: Human Resources Waiting Room
Darth Vader is sitting in the waiting room on the 17th floor of Vader Enterprises headquarters on the planet Alderaan. The room is beige, there are several large, framed, nature photos with accompanying motivational quotes. The quotes are stereotypical and lack any form of true motivation. There are several rows of beige chairs, a magazine rack filled with last month’s issues of magazines that no one would voluntarily read. There’s a bulletin board covered with business cards from desperate vendors trying to get a lucky sale from a chance encounter.
A receptionist is sitting behind a counter clicking away on a keyboard that hasn’t been en vogue for several years. She is immune to the conversations of those waiting patiently and impatiently for that matter.
Darth Vader waits with his climbing bros to meet with an HR rep in order to procure funding for unbudgeted goods.
Aside from Darth Vader, there is the cute belay-bot 5.12PG, Frank Mush (Vader’s most reliable climbing partner), Flaps (a fun Rodian who primarily boulders, but is good for a catch on big wall excursions), Chris Sharma, and Mon-spa (an agreeable Wookie, with a great although dark sense of humor).
Frank Mush: Darth, how long is this going to take, don’t you run the show around here?
Darth Vader: Frank, don’t even get me started, the board of trustees decided that we needed to follow legal protocol on all operational actions including purchasing.
Chris Sharma: I have money, I can buy us everything we need for the crag.
Darth Vader: Chris, it’s not about that. You paid for everything last time, Frank before that, then it was Flaps, and before that Mon-spa. It’s my turn to pay, there is money available for corporate social activities, and this is a cooperate social activity. Plus, if there is one thing everyone knows about Darth Vader, it’s that I am not a freeloader!
Mon-spa: *Unintelligible garble*
The group laughs.
Flaps: (Laughing) Jesus Christ Mon-spa, that is dark!
Frank Mush: Well, what do we need to buy anyway? Maybe we have all the gear already?
Chris Sharma: Darth Vader wants to treat us to matching shirts, a box of Send Bars, and few Red Bulls.
Darth Vader: Chris, that was supposed to be between us, I wanted to surprise the guys. Well guys, surprise! We’re getting matching shirts for the Gypsy Crew!
Mon-spa: *Unintelligible garble*
The group laughs
Frank Mush: Will they just give us the money or how does this work.
Darth Vader: Kind of. So, once HR approves our request, they will issue a PC which stands for purchasing card. That card will be loaded with enough purchasing credits for the Send Bars and the Red Bull. Don’t worry Flaps, I know you prefer Vitamin Water, so we’ll add that to the request.
Flaps: Sweet, thanks Darth Vader.
Darth Vader: Yeah of course! But then for the shirts, they’ll need to approve the design of the shirts.
Mon-spa: *Unintelligible garble*
The group laughs
Darth Vader: Not sure that would be approved Mon-spa.
Beat.
Darth Vader: I had my buddy who was a publicist for the Jawa and a lawyer for the Old Republic and also dabbles in graphic design make a sick mock-up. You guys are going to love it, but it remains a surprise.
Darth Vader glances at Chris Sharma.
Darth Vader: It should be approved no problem. But then we need to get quotes from three vendors, and the vendor with the best price is who we have to go with.
Frank Mush: Do we get a discount for ordering more shirts?
Darth Vader: Oh shit, I haven’t thought about that. I kind of just wanted us to have the shirts so that we would stand out.
5.12PG: Beep Beep Boop.
Darth Vader: Of course you’re getting a shirt 5.12PG.
As 5.12PG lights up emoting happiness, a door opens up and Clyde Drexler (Head of HR) comes out extending a smile to Darth Vader and the Gypsy Crew.
Clyde Drexler: Darth Vader we’re ready to see you.
Darth Vader gets up, fist bumps the homies, and heads through the door with Clyde Drexler.
END SCENE.
- Cover Photo from BoredPanda.com (The Daily Life of Darth Vader – Paweł Kadysz)
thedihedral.com 
It must be cool to teach philosophy. I have to stay on script with graduate school in psychology. This post is great. Rather comic book like and funny.
Being a Gen Xer, I think that “Star Wars,” “The Empire Strikes Back,” and “Return of the Jedi” stand on their own. I also think that “Empire,” like “The Godfather II” stand on their own as great films.
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I’m adding this to my data set!
Teaching philosophy is really fun, but I gotta say hanging out with my pals in the psych department is always a blast too!
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Hahahahaha! Are you volunteering for guest lecturing? 🙂
Have you seen “Most Likely to Succeed” Whitely (2015)?
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I haven’t seen it, but I’ll check it out ASAP!
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Clyde the Glide has gone into HR? Say it ain’t so!
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Maybe in the next scene there can be an interaction like Kareem in Airplane? Lot’s of directions to take this! Feel free to take a stab at the next scene. We’ll make sure to credit you, when Disney starts writing checks for this masterpiece!
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“Vader” is our dogs name, because I am (and always will be) a Star Wars fan and now the sweetest dog has Darth Vader’s name. 🙂
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That makes sense, because this new iteration of Vader is sweet and lovable character! And as it turns out a pretty strong rock-climber and nature lover!
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I have never watched the new StarWars, only the old ones from 20+ years ago. I will watch them all when I am retired, that’s on my bucket list. 🙂
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I am TOO tickled! I want to see the “matching shirts” that seemed to be all the rage! Haha! Superb and very creative. What a way to “normalize” Vader! Bravo!!!
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Thank you so much Angela was such a nice comment to read!
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