There is a song that everyone should know about, it’s from a group of singers that form the band Veggie Tales. The Tales are led by singers Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber who are accompanied by an array of other vegetables (some are technically fruits) who round out the band. I couldn’t tell you much about their music, except for one song.
The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything!
For some reason this song goes so hard, it’s fun, and funny, and is a complete and utter earworm.
Recently this song from 2008 popped into my head and demanded a makeover, and so I banged out some updated lyrics which will absolutely not surely catch on to be the climbers anthem in 2026.
Narrator: Joining Larry, Pa Grape, and Mr. Lunt who together make up the infamous gang of dirtbags, the Dirtbags Who Don’t Climb Anything!
Dirtbags: We are the dirtbags who don’t climb anything! We just stay at camp and lie around. And if you ask us to climb anything, we’ll just tell you…
Larry: We don’t climb anything!
Pa: Well, I’ve never been to J-Tree, and I’ve never been to Squamish, and I’ve never sent a V5 in St. Louis or St. Paul, and I’ve never been to Hueco, and I’ve never been to Moab, and I’ve never climbed a boulder or a wall.
Dirtbags: Cause we’re the dirtbags who don’t climb anything! We just stay at camp and lie around. And if you ask us to climb anything, we’ll just tell you…
Lunt: We don’t climb anything. And I never set a top-rope, and I never built an anchor, and I never held a Gri Gri ‘cause I never climb at all, and I’ve never sent a 5.8, and I’ve never seen an off-width, and I’ve never climbed a boulder or a wall.
Dirtbags: Cause we’re the dirtbags who don’t climb anything! We just stay at camp and lie around. And if you ask us to climb anything, we’ll just tell you…We don’t climb anything.
Larry: Well, I’ve never loved a woman and I’m not too good at cooking, and I’ve never picked up sports like croquet or basketball, and I’ve never had a pen-pal, and I’ve never tried a veggie, and I’ve never climbed a boulder or a wall.
Pa: Huh? What are you talking about? What does cooking and croquet have to do with climbing?
Lunt: Hey that’s right we’re supposed to sing about climb-y things!
Larry: Oh
Larry: And I’ve never licked a leaf frog, and I’ve never worn a wood clog, and I’ve never ordered pizza on an interoffice call, and I’ve never sipped on cat piss, and I don’t look good in lycra…
Pa: You just don’t get it!
Dirtbags: And we’ve never climbed a boulder or a wall!!!
thedihedral.com 
I’ve never been to Boston in the fall, either.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Did you click the link, or do you actually know this song? I was pretty worried that no one would have any point of reference. It’s so catchy!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I knew Veggie Tales but not the song. I clicked. And I think your new lyrics could be a hit. Maybe you need a cartoonist to illustrate/animate it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m thinking the Veggie Tale folks may think the image I used and the lyrics I used may violate some kind of copyright infringement? If they were smart however they would just hire us to bring some of their work up to date!
Veggie Tales, if you are reading this, theDIHEDRAL and halffastcycling are ready to take the reigns!
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is great.
LikeLiked by 1 person