At the age of 23, having a doctor tell you your brain likes to reset itself whenever it feels necessary is not the news you look for. Hearing your life won’t continue to be what you had always thought it to be, isn’t either. In no way am I forever incapable to continue to do the things that I love, but seizures changed the outlook I previously had about the activities I involved myself in. Before this I would just go for things, I would take the risk, I wouldn’t look back. Now I have to think about my every move, I have to make sure I put myself in safe situations, make sure those around me know what to do if things go wrong.
There is so much pressure put on the things I love to do. After seven months of apprehension and fears of more seizures, alongside the shame of losing all the progress I had made in the past year of steady climbing. I stepped foot into my gym with the rest of the Dihedral gang. Filled with anxiety I walked looking up at the walls, excited to breathe in the chalky air I quickly put my gear on. But once I was there staring at the routes with Carrot, I put on the breaks. I forgot everything I knew about climbing. And a wave of anxiety overcame me, my heart sank as quickly as a stone thrown in a river.
Carrots excitement and encouragement finally got me on the wall, I climbed about half way and gave in to the fear. Despite all the things I’ve said before like “when in doubt, climb higher” I was shook. My fears had won. As I sat and watched the determination of the rest of my team I pushed everything aside, soon after many other attempts and weak arms, I hopped on an auto belay without thinking, I attacked the route like it was nothing. For one moment, I was back to the climber I had been before. And it wasn’t until I was leaving the gym that I realized I would be okay, that the things I had struggled with and overcame as a climber made me stronger. And with those things I would continue to remold myself. Sometimes you must set a goal for yourself, and when stones get thrown, you must reset, sometimes you must fall off a route to realize you approached it incorrectly.