How did I put myself in this position ? Why did I allow others to influence the way I feel, the way I carry myself ? I know the hardships in life make you stronger and that by mere positivity effect, later become beautiful events of the past. However, I cannot help myself from wondering what made me fight so viciously and still exude an aura of unicorns, mermaids, and rainbows two years ago. I have been sucked by a whirlpool for almost 7 years and this time around, more than before, there is not much that I can do about it. There are many external forces shaping my current situation and the only thing that I can do now is wait. I wait and hope for the best. I wait and I put on the biggest smile for my son and for myself, even though I feel like I’m drowning.
I have to open up and confess that I have not been able to climb in almost a year. I have detached myself from mother nature and have lost that sensitivity that characterized me. None of the things that I’m writing make me proud and I blame myself for being conscious of this process yet not doing anything about it. It is so easy to get sucked by the routine and neglect the things that make you happy and that bring light into your life; yes people, I am guilty, but to be fair, aren’t we all ? Do not worry though, because this is the point where I stop to complain. I will move forward to talk a little bit about yesterday afternoon, because we all love a story about yesterdays and we all love a story about afternoons…
Tuesday afternoon was not an ordinary one… I woke up at 10a.m, my son prepared his own breakfast, and I was able to stay in bed and watch a show other than Spiderman, Wild Kratts, and My Little Pony. What the heck is going on ?! A little freaked out by the previous situation, I forced myself to leave the bed and took a much needed shower. There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to rest and get lost on your TV every once in a while, but for someone like me, two hours is enough before the mattress starts sucking my energy and spirit.
After getting ready and putting some hours of work down, I promised my son that we would have a picnic like we used to in the past. He was very excited and could not stop talking about it on our walk to HEB. I was ecstatic too, I was in awe by the beauty of the growing flowers, the tiny turtle heads popping out of the water, and the soothing bird symphonies. I felt foreign, as if I had never experienced anything like it before. My son’s voice started to fade and the song of the birds became louder and distorted. When I thought that I was starting to lose my mind, the melody stopped and the cars took over. I definitely had not experienced anything like it before, but was not put off by it either.
We got back home and we were ready to heat our thawed pizza and vegetable wontons to start our overdue family picnic. We were more than ready to eat on our backyard and brought our snowman blanket along to protect ourselves from the ants. Sitting on top of the man’s face, I closed my eyes and focused on the breeze that caressed my face. The birds’ melody was taking over my senses again, and this time around it was clear and soft. It felt as if they were trying to tell me something, and not knowing exactly what, I still took their message. I know that I have a long way to go in order to reconnect with such a vital part of myself, but today I am grateful for the experiences, the breeze, the birds, and my son. I had never enjoyed an improvised picnic so much; even though my wontons were cold and my son’s pizza was rock hard, I cherish every second we got to spend “outdoors”
Thank you for taking some time to read me and share this journey together. I would love to know what motivates you, what are you grateful for ?
Featured Image Birds Wire Musical Notes