34 Madness

Hello dear reader. It is my unfortunate duty to tell you that my 34th birthday is on the horizon. I do this to inform the masses that I am going quite insane at the thought of being in my mid 30’s without accomplishing my simple goal of being a millionaire by this age (I also do this to inform those that may have forgotten to get me a gift…you still have time…December 30th…Christmas gifts don’t count). 

I mean, I get yoooou two gifts, don’t I? One for your birthday and one for Christmas?? I mean…if I know you. Is it my fault that my birthday is so close to St. Nick’s?

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*ahem* Anyway…Where was I? Oh yes…madness. 

You see, beyond the existential dread of an ever faster approaching void, there’s quite a list of things I was hoping to have achieved by now. Well, it’s time to get this shit done. I will have about 12 days to complete these tasks. 

  1. Be a millionaire

Of course, I mentioned this in my introduction. I would like to be a millionaire by my mid 30’s. In a little over a week, it seems pretty impossible. But perhaps if I lose all morals and find a very old and blind Sugar Daddy, I can make this one happen. Orrrr I can have an “expensive injury” at the rock gym. But to be honest, too many people know me there and would not take my antics seriously.


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Likelihood of Completion by Birthday: 2/10
  1. Climbing El Cap, Freerider

Ok hear me out, hear me out. I may not even be good enough to climb a 5.12 in a gym setting, but if I could somehow get a top rope there…and had a belayer that basically just hauled my chubby ass up while I touch the rock a few times…that could almost count, right? Right???


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Likelihood of Completion by Birthday: 4/10
  1. Climbing with my hair down like a beautiful goddess

I see this often and wonder how these girls do it? Is this a gene I don’t have? If I climb with my hair down it will be matted to my forehead in a matter of seconds. Maybe if I do a very slow 5.7……..or 5.6.

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Likelihood of Completion by Birthday: 1/10
  1. Lose hella weight without losing my butt in the process

I will just start lying about my weight.


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Likelihood of Completion by Birthday: 7/10 (I’m a bad liar)

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Now, I know what you’re gonna say. Really! I know! I wrote out an example in a very Gollum/Smeagol-type way that is really giving a lot of weight to my insanity point:

“Jen, there’s no time limit in accomplishing your goals…it’s not a competition. Why, even Alan Rickman didn’t act until he was…”

Yeah, yeah. Spare me the ‘late bloomer’ list to make me feel better, ok?

“Hey, no reason to get upset with me. I just care about you.”

I know. I’m sorry. I’m just going through…

“Ten or twenty years from now, you’ll WISH you were this age again.”

Yeah, that’s a good point.


It is, that’s true.


Wow, really? Like the Matrix or something?

“It’s a whole thing I won’t get into it right now.”

Thanks for trying to prop me up, man. You know, there is one goal I AM going to finish by my birthday.

  1. Find an everlasting and beautiful love that moves mountains and crazy shit

I’ve already accomplished this. It’s YOU. 

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Likelihood of Completion by Birthday: 10/10 DONE

Jen Alger (@chubbygirlclimbing)

Writer’s note: This may be the dumbest article I’ve ever written and I’m not even drunk. I apologize to everyone involved. This is a cry for help. Thank you. 

24 Replies to “34 Madness”

  1. This is the most truthful article. The self inhibitions you face and the brutal self punisher it brings out in you. The very magic of not being kind and gentle and forgiving ro yourself. Surrender to your awesomeness 🙌 haoly new year

    Liked by 2 people

  2. When I was 27 I didn’t think I would live to the ripe old age of 34. I made enough money to pay the bills with a little left over for fun, adventure, and carrying on with a wild and crazy life. Now, here I am at 76, still having fun and every day praying, “God take me now.”
    The doctors tell me that if I drink after 12 o’clock I won’t be able to sleep at night so I try to get all my serious drinking in before noon.
    At 11:30 a.m. I might be a little toasted while writing this, but my advice: We pass through this phase of the great ether but once, don’t look back and enjoy it while you’re here.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Love this!!! I go through this every year about this time. Due to the new year/b-day/or whatever. I’m trying to learn to enjoy the journey instead of being focused on the finish. Likelyhood of success? 7/10 depending on the day. Ha ha ha. Love and miss everyone.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are much too young to experience “the existential dread of an ever faster approaching void.” That’s my department.

    New Year’s is a sales gimmick to sell party supplies before and then gym memberships and diet plans after. Thanksgiving is the holiday to focus on. What are you thankful for?

    Instead you should be doing those things that when you get my age you can look back on and say, “OMG! I did THAT? WTF was I thinking?

    All the while smiling secretly inside. “Yeah. I DID that. Heh… heh! And I DON”T CARE what you think.”

    Have patience about the millionaire thing. We’ll probably have a round of epic inflation after this COVID thing is over and a million will be pocket change.

    Climbing down with beautiful hair like a goddess… First, if you don’t have long hair, you’ll need a wig, ideally one long enough to hang down to your arse. Maybe you can rent one? A helmet will keep that hair hanging free, as hair won’t stick to it. Climb on a day with some humidity to avoid static cling. Brownie points if the hair is the only clothing you wear. Think of it as Godiva chic.


    BTW, that’s an excellent way to get an army of belayers, should you need them.

    I have yet to see any evidence that you “need” to lose weight. If you can climb a 5.10, I promise you that you do not “need” to lose weight. You are perfectly beautiful as you are. We are our own harshest judges.

    Still, New Year’s has an important place in our world. It is really all about relationships. The song “Auld Lang Syne” is all about memories, not the future. Two friends who frolicked and played in the highlands of Scotland went their separate ways across the world. They meet again and drink a toast for old time’s sake. This simple story has become the most important commemoration of time’s passing and looking forward to the new year.

    Memory fades. The arrow of time continues on its immutable journey. Some day we will be gone and eventually forgotten along with all of our experiences of joy and sorrow and pain and pleasure. So let us raise a toast to the memories we have, our hopes for the future, and the lives we are living right now. For someday, auld lang syne will be indeed be forgot when we are no longer here to remember them.

    This never fails to bring a tear to my eye. Sometimes tears are good. Listen to it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. love this! And I’ve got both your birthday present (that will help ease the sting of turning 34) and Christmas present. We can go climb mountains (or more realistically Texas mountains in Hill country) to celebrate my 35th next year. I mean I won’t be climbing, I will be getting absolutely smashed but I’ll scream encouragements from the ground.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. If you’re a failure, what does that say about me? I’m about to be 34×2! (And isn’t that just like a man – to make this about me and not you.) But since it’s Christmas, remember old man Potter was rich and miserable and George Bailey learned that no one is poor who has friends.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m not much older than you and I used to think that life and being an adult would be too hard. So much going on and lots more responsibilities. But you just need to relax and let it all happen. It all works out in the end. Just make sure you get out into nature as much as possible. That’s the main way I survive. Climbing, hiking, caving and just chilling with mates.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’d rather be happy and poor than sad and rich. I’ve traveled around a bit, some of the nicest and well rounded people I’ve met didn’t have 2 pennies to rub together🤜

    Liked by 1 person

  9. An extremely funny cry for help Jen…as an introduction to you..I saw quick humor, intelligence and a bit of impish poking fun at yourself..all things I do cherish in people:)

    Liked by 1 person

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