Hello dear reader. It is my unfortunate duty to tell you that my 34th birthday is on the horizon. I do this to inform the masses that I am going quite insane at the thought of being in my mid 30’s without accomplishing my simple goal of being a millionaire by this age (I also do this to inform those that may have forgotten to get me a gift…you still have time…December 30th…Christmas gifts don’t count).
I mean, I get yoooou two gifts, don’t I? One for your birthday and one for Christmas?? I mean…if I know you. Is it my fault that my birthday is so close to St. Nick’s?
*ahem* Anyway…Where was I? Oh yes…madness.
You see, beyond the existential dread of an ever faster approaching void, there’s quite a list of things I was hoping to have achieved by now. Well, it’s time to get this shit done. I will have about 12 days to complete these tasks.
- Be a millionaire
Of course, I mentioned this in my introduction. I would like to be a millionaire by my mid 30’s. In a little over a week, it seems pretty impossible. But perhaps if I lose all morals and find a very old and blind Sugar Daddy, I can make this one happen. Orrrr I can have an “expensive injury” at the rock gym. But to be honest, too many people know me there and would not take my antics seriously.
- Climbing El Cap, Freerider
Ok hear me out, hear me out. I may not even be good enough to climb a 5.12 in a gym setting, but if I could somehow get a top rope there…and had a belayer that basically just hauled my chubby ass up while I touch the rock a few times…that could almost count, right? Right???
- Climbing with my hair down like a beautiful goddess
I see this often and wonder how these girls do it? Is this a gene I don’t have? If I climb with my hair down it will be matted to my forehead in a matter of seconds. Maybe if I do a very slow 5.7……..or 5.6.
- Lose hella weight without losing my butt in the process
I will just start lying about my weight.
Now, I know what you’re gonna say. Really! I know! I wrote out an example in a very Gollum/Smeagol-type way that is really giving a lot of weight to my insanity point:
“Jen, there’s no time limit in accomplishing your goals…it’s not a competition. Why, even Alan Rickman didn’t act until he was…”
Yeah, yeah. Spare me the ‘late bloomer’ list to make me feel better, ok?
“Hey, no reason to get upset with me. I just care about you.”
I know. I’m sorry. I’m just going through…
“Ten or twenty years from now, you’ll WISH you were this age again.”
Yeah, that’s a good point.
“TIME IS A CONSTRUCT.”
It is, that’s true.
“WE’RE PROBABLY JUST A SIMULATION ANYWAY.”
Wow, really? Like the Matrix or something?
“It’s a whole thing I won’t get into it right now.”
Thanks for trying to prop me up, man. You know, there is one goal I AM going to finish by my birthday.
- Find an everlasting and beautiful love that moves mountains and crazy shit
I’ve already accomplished this. It’s YOU.
Writer’s note: This may be the dumbest article I’ve ever written and I’m not even drunk. I apologize to everyone involved. This is a cry for help. Thank you.