Climbing – The Drug of the Future

I was listening to the radio while driving recently and I heard a terrible ad for some supplement that is supposed to do something to help you breathe better.  I imagine if I was someone who had trouble breathing, I would have paid very close attention to what was being advertised.  Luckily, I can breathe just fine.  Due to this fortunate circumstance, I was not sucked into giving up my time in order to hear a pitch about the latest snake oil on the market.  Instead, I was distracted, wondering what a similar commercial about climbing might sound like.  

Despite telling myself I need to remember the name of this product so that I can look up the ad later, by the time I returned home I had already forgotten the name of this miracle drug.  Maybe I need some ginko biloba?  Just kidding, like most if not all “miracle” supplements there is no evidence that ginko biloba effects memory or attention.  So, I guess we’ll never know what this magical breathing supplement is called.  While I forgot the name of the supplement, I did hold onto the “what if” regarding a commercial featuring climbing as a cure-all.

Step one was to do a little research into ads that feature supplemental assistance.  Basically, I watched a bunch of infomercials looking for some commonalities.  Lo and behold, they all generally say the same thing.  Just swap out the ailment and the product, while holding onto to the format, and you have yourself a winning formula to rob people who are desperate for help.  From boner pills to weight loss meds, the blueprint is essentially the same.

With the blueprint for deception in hand, all we need now is to organize the commonalities, plug in some climbing content, and BOOM, we have the outline for a climbing informercial with the potential to persuade even the most ardent skeptic.

Essentials for swindling desperate people out of their money!

  • The problem… (pain, lethargy, depression, hair loss, erectile dysfunction, breathing, halitosis, etc…)
  • Somber Music
  • The Solution (what they are selling)
  • Uplifting Music
  • Clinical Studies (Prove/Tested)
  • Fake Testimonials
  • This will save you from (list of things you need to be saved from pain, lethargy, etc.…)
  • The payment
  • Moneyback Guarantee
  • Always someone doing yoga
  • Back and forth from what you can’t do to what you’ll be able to do
  • How long it’s been researched
  • All natural + 5 adjectives saying the same thing
  • Randomly toss in more ailments that it can cure
  • A couple holding each other
  • A person giving news in a lab coat
  • Mention a random place (for trials, ingredients, etc…)
  • More yoga scenes
  • A subtle point to make sure older people know it’s for them

That’s it, if you want to peddle trash, you now have the outline to do so!  Just follow these steps and you could help those who want to revitalize hair growth, those who need wellness solutions backed by rigorous science, and even those who need to perfect their backswing through restful sleep and blood pressure energy.

Speaking of helping, here is how climbing can save you!

Move over OmegaXL, there is a new and improved supplement on the market.

Carrot

13 Replies to “Climbing – The Drug of the Future”

    1. Haha…it’s a trade secret, but according to OSHA standards 2 harnesses are recommended at all times while in the lab. (One over and one under)

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s