Cragies and Snackies

This was supposed to be a piece about climbing and eating in The Peach State, but Georgia will have to wait.  As I was scouting out some rock in Georgia, instead of typing ‘Georgia Rock Climbing’ I typed ‘George Rock Climbing’.  That search brought me to an episode of Seinfeld titled The Stall.  The primary storyline focuses on a situation in which Elaine is in a bathroom stall with no TP.  She asks the gal sitting in the next stall to help her out, but that gal refuses.  It turns out that Jerry is dating the TP refuser, and the shenanigans unfold!  There is a secondary storyline in which George has a man-crush on Elaine’s hot boyfriend Tony.

George just wants to spend time with Hot Tony, so when Hot Tony suggests they go climbing, George cannot refuse.

Seinfeld is such a classic show, I haven’t seen an episode in years, so when my typo turned up a climbing segment, I had to watch it.  I didn’t remember the segment at all, and it’s a hilarious mess from start to finish.  So, while this was supposed to be a piece about climbing in Georgia, it’s now a piece breaking down a five-minute segment about climbing with George Costanza.

The scene opens up with a short dialogue between Elaine and Jerry about how George has a non-sexual crush on Hot Tony, we then cut to Tom’s Diner with George and Hot Tony mid conversation where three things are made very clear: George has a non-sexual crush on Hot Tony, Hot Tony is hot, and Hot Tony is an air head (Air-Head Hot Tony)!

George musters up the courage to ask Air-Head Hot Tony out on a play date to go bowling.  George is totally stoked on a bowling adventure, but Air-Head Hot Tony is not about that life.  “You get no rahhhhuuusshh from bowling”

George disagrees, insisting that the potential to drop a ball on your toe is all the rush you’ll need, but he immediately goes along with Air-Head Hot Tony’s suggestion to go rock climbing.  This will not end well!

George really steps his game up into respectability and offers to make sandwiches.  The options on the table are tuna or peanut butter, both classics!  For the record, I would go climbing with anyone at any level if they offered to make sandwiches.  George Costanza might be one of the most annoying unlikeable characters on any show ever, but if he offers to bring sandwiches, he is instantaneously welcome into the crew.

Air-Head Hot Tony barely even acknowledges the sandwiches.  This is how we know that Air-Head Hot Tony is either a bigger pneumocephalic than he lets on, or the writers underestimated the importance of sandwiches in the climbing world.  George offering to make sandwiches despite never climbing a rock in his life immediately puts him at an elite level that Air-Head Hot Tony could never dream of.  What kind of climber, let alone person just glosses over sandwiches?

Moving on…

Air-Head Hot Tony isn’t one to waste time and wants to go climbing “mañana”.  George suddenly has to have a “boil lanced mañana”.  Great thinking George, that could have worked, but Kramer walks in and is available mañana.  Kramer’s availability moves George to reconsider lancing the boil, and so mañana it is!

Later that night back at Jerry’s apartment, Elaine destroys George…

“Rock climbing, where do you come off going rock climbing?  ROCK CLIMBING?  You need a boost to climb into your bed!”

As Elaine destroys George, he stays busy trying on some climbing shoes.  As far as I could tell, they are the now vintage FIVETEN Teal Blue Stealth C4 Rock Climbing shoes.  He gets them laced up and takes a little stroll through the apartment.  That should do it, he’s got the shoes, he’s got what appear to be some old school Wrangler jeans, and of course the button-down plaid shirt tucked in.  If that doesn’t scream ‘climbing’, I’m not sure what does!

Jerry joins in on busting George’s chops, before George opens up about how he’s never been friends with a cool guy.  I guess Kramer, Jerry, and Elaine aren’t cool enough for George?

Kramer busts in and accuses George of being in love with Air-Head Hot Tony, to which George responds with a veiled threat of murder.  The threat probably comes more from the fact that Kramer is crashing the climbing party than it does the accusation of love.  More importantly and more directly, George tells Kramer that he isn’t getting any sandwiches!  Ouch!

George gets a little intel from Elaine about Air-Head Hot Tony’s sandwich preference, and we are off to the rocks.

The entire bit on the rocks is pure insanity and mild amounts of absurdity mixed with complete preposterousness! 

In a best-case scenario, we can speculate that Kramer who is tied in and climbing, lead a somewhat difficult looking route and set up a solid anchor (out of frame).  For some reason he is lowered to George who is just clipped into climbing nut that’s jammed into a hole.  The nut placement looks pretty bomber, but even in this best-case scenario makes absolutely no sense.

Kramer is kind of just hang-dogging from the rope, jumping back and forth around George who again is just attached to the middle of the route by a nut.  George is freaking out, and he should be since this might be the worst system and dumbest place anyone has ever come off belay on a route.  Kramer tries to calm George by encouraging him to yodel.  Somehow this works, and I have never been more invested in testing out a new calming technique in my life.

This is where Air-Head Hot Tony yells some absolute nonsense from below.  Keep in mind that Kramer is on the climbing end of the rope, George is just hanging from a single nut, and Air-Head Hot Tony is the belayer.

“George, Kramer, take the rope, run it through the carabiner and knot it.  Then I’ll climb up to where you are.”

What?  These guys are in no position to belay.  They were, but again, for some reason Kramer lowered himself to George who is just there doing nothing in the middle of the wall.  I guess it’s okay that George and Kramer are in no position to belay since Air-Head Hot Tony just wants the rope ran through a carabiner with a knot.  Never mind what carabiner or what type of knot, or why, even if any of that made sense ultimately Air-Head Hot Tony is just going to be free soloing since no one is actually belaying him.

Kramer unties and sets up the same protection George is using, (what is absolutely horrible for the goose is absolutely horrible for the gander I guess) then he tosses the rope to George who is not as calm as you would expect given all that yodeling.  George takes the rope when Air-Head Hot Tony shouts up a request for something to eat…bad move.

George, who is always aiming to please Air-Head Hot Tony, reaches in for some tuna and salmon salad sandwiches and lets go of the rope.  Air-Head Hot Tony (out of frame) without any safety check starts to climb and the next thing we see is the rope pulling through the draws as we hear Air-Head Hot Tony shout while falling to his death.  Kramer and George also start to yell, probably because Air-Head Hot Tony is a goner, but also because they are now pinned to a route with no rope.  My guess is that they just free soloed to the top since one of them (probably Kramer) had already made it there once.

The good news is that Air-Head Hot Tony didn’t actually die, he survived, but his face was mangled, leading me to to believe that Elaine and George eventually lost interest.  In the end, Air-Head Tony was a terrible climber, he ignored all safety precautions, he trusted two beginners with his life, he did zero safety checks, and he was indifferent to sandwiches.  George Costanza is responsible for a plethora of misfortunes throughout the Seinfeld run, but this one is not on him.