Myself (Carrot) along with other members of theDIHEDRAL have been enjoying the benefits of cottage cheese for years. Last year when High-Clip and I went to the International Climbing Festival in Lander, Wyoming, we started each day with a 16oz tub of cottage cheese. It is the ultimate send food, high in protein, low in carbs, with a good level of sodium and potassium and Vitamin B12. Not to mention it is very filling. Regarding long-term health benefits, cottage cheese is packed with probiotics that can help balance the gut microbiome. It also contains calcium, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium, and Vitamin D, all of which contribute to bone health. A good thing to have if you are a climber!
Until very recently, cottage cheese was kind of like a hidden crag, a few people knew about it, but the stamped of the general population was kept at bay. Then something happened. The influencers started filming and popularizing the last vestiges of our well-kept wilderness secrets, TikTokers and Instagramers have weaseled their way into the world of cottage cheese. And it’s ruining everything.
At first it was a bread recipe here and a cookie recipe there, but word traveled fast and now these cottage cheese content creators are coming out of the woodworks like ants at a picnic, they’re scattering everywhere like a cow pissing on a flat rock.
Cottage Cheese Carbonara, Buffalo Dip, Chocolate Mousse, Pancakes, Breads, the list goes on and on. There is an entire Reddit Forum devoted to cottage cheese recipes.
It’s a nightmare.
Not because these recipes aren’t good, they are actually very good, and not because these recipes aren’t healthy, they are actually very healthy. It’s a nightmare because me and my octogenarian allies who have been enjoying the benefits of this “hidden crag” for years can no longer find a spot on the wall.
I went to two grocery stores today looking for cottage cheese and there was none to be had. Grocery stores cannot keep it on the shelf. It is total and udder (Cheese Pun) madness. It needs to STOP and today I am here to rectify the situation with an anti-cottage cheese misinformation campaign.
None of these things are true (as far as I know), but I need this trend to die down fast, so perhaps with a little luck the list will go viral, and the context of the article will be left behind!
10 dangerous nonFacts about Cottage Cheese that everyone should know.
- Cottage Cheese causes early onset anal warts.
- Cottage Cheese recipes have been known to reduce IG followers by 29.3%.
- Cottage Cheese was created by Bill Gates to infect humans with 5G.
- Cottage Cheese reduces IQ points in rats.
- Cottage Cheese has been known to reduce penis size by up to 90%.
- Cottage Cheese accelerates lactic acid build up in muscles while climbing.
- Cottage Cheese based diets repel dogs from loving you.
- Cottage Cheese causes medical grade halitosis.
- Cottage Cheese may be healthy but it also causes clown-based night terrors.
- Cottage Cheese is supported by the political party that you don’t like.
That’s it. Those are the reasons you should stay away from cottage cheese. Now it is up to the internet and social media to do its job and misinform billons of people so that I can have my life back. A simple life of climbing rocks and eating cottage cheese.
thedihedral.com 
Man, this is hysterical!
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Haha…thank you! I am happy that you liked it!
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Cottage cheese will also cause you to go blind.JEH
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That is a great point, more people need to realize that!
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I think you are SOL! The more Vegans the more calcium & protein sources are needed & this is now a go to food for both! Time for carrot to come up with a homemade recipe like with pickles.
Very funny post! Thx for chuckles. Oh I hate cottage cheese.
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Good start to the discussion, cottage cheese is the worst *wink wink!
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I am to 90% vegan because dairy hurts people with an autoimmune disease and I wish I could find a vegan substitute for cottage cheese. I miss it.
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If I ever see one I’ll let you know!
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That would be such a great invention!
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That list of (non) facts is hilarious! I’m a cottage cheese lover, so I’ll pay attention from now on. Haha!
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I’m actually going back to the store right now to see if they restocked.
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But where do you stand on the large curd/small curd controversy?
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I kind of like the texture of large, but I find myself eating it too quickly, so I usually go with small. In either case, both cause seasonal dandruff.
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Good
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im dead. this is hilarious. I am scared of cottage cheese because its lumpy watery cheese. but everyone is putting it on everything haha
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It’s literally everywhere!
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Was raised on the stuff. Cottage cheese was like today’s Camembert back in the 1960s.
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