Are you going to Hell?

“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!” 

As an undergrad one of my favorite explorations was Dante’s La Divina Commedia (How’s that for four years of Italian?).  The Divine Comedy is a story about one man’s voyage through Inferno (Hell), Purgatorio (Purgatory), and Paradiso (Heaven).  Through Dante’s experiences the reader witnesses Divine Justice appropriate for the actions of humans while on earth.

Of course, one direction this particular article could turn is toward different climbing styles needed to ascend from The Inferno toward Paradiso.  Maybe the ascension from hell is filled with sloping crimps moving to slopers, and the ascension from Purgatorio to Paradiso is filled with crimps moving to full on jugs.  That could be an interesting direction, but not the direction we’re taking today.

For today, I (Carrot) am here to warn you about Divine Justice itself.  As the sun sets behind the mountain and you are confronted by the three beasts, halfway along life’s path with an opportunity to peek into your eternity of consequences let me be your guide, let me be your Virgil.

“Through me you go into a city of weeping; through me you go into eternal pain; through me you go amongst the lost people”

“For pride and avarice and envy are the three fierce sparks that set all hearts ablaze.”

Pride: I don’t think this is a direct quote, but I’m pretty sure that Dante said something along the lines of Non dare indicazioni a meno che qualcuno non te le chieda, which translates to: don’t spray beta.  Even worse than spraying beta is sending someone’s project intentionally after they fall.  We get it, you are so strong and cool, and everyone needs to know that you’re the best, but that flex just cost you your eternal soul.  I hope it was worth it.

Avarice: A great number of climbers are dirtbags, and so avarice in the traditional sense may not apply. However, greed in the traditional sense need not be the only interpretation of this journey into the depth of darkness.  Hogging a route that others want to climb could be considered an act of avarice.  Looking at you REI with your guided daytrips that take up an entire wall.  Share the wealth!

Envy: It is so easy to get caught up in other’s success. In climbing as with many things, the first question should be “Am I enjoying myself?” if yes, then good.  If your goals don’t include having fun, and you’re suffering because you aren’t climbing at the level of those around you, or at the level you did when you were __________ (younger, healthier, had more time, etc…) then unfortunately, you are probably going to hell.

Side Note: I didn’t make the rules, if you don’t like that outcome, take it up with Dante.

Moving on.  

For those who dare manipulate nature by chipping pristine rock, damaging flora and fauna, or vandalizing nature’s bliss, you shall be greeted by the screeches and shrieks of the Harpies in the wood of death!  Usurers will crouch huddled and weeping for eternity in the unbearing desert of burning sands and the torrential rains of hellfire.  Who knew that “Leave-No-Trace” was more than just a mantra for dirtbags and hippies.

Sandbaggers and Posers, you will surely regret your transgressions while viciously scrubbing and clawing at your leprous scabs.  A “disease” on society, your destiny in the deepest part of the 8^th circle of hell includes being plagued with different types of afflictions, including horrible diseases, stench, thirst, filth, darkness, and screaming.  Some lie prostrate while others run hungering through the pit, tearing others to pieces.  Keep this in mind the next time you want to label your send a 5.10 when we all know it’s a 5.12.

Prior to reaching the river of wailing, Cocytus, in the 9^th circle, there is a spot reserved for route-setters who increase a routes grade by equating big moves with difficulty.  Anyone can make a route more challenging by implementing bigger moves, but as Dante writes, “An ill way thou goest”.  Stay true to your heart and avoideth the depths of the underworld.  Setters, you have been warned!

The 9^th circle in the center of hell, trapped waist deep in a sea of ice sits the terrifying beast. He weeps from his six eyes, and his tears mix with bloody froth and pus as they pour down his three chins. Each of his three faces has jowls that chew eternally on a prominent sinner.  Reserved for the most wretched among us found in the mouth of Satan you will find…

1. Il cane impiccato – The Hang Dog.  You can work a route only when agreed upon by your belayer.  For those who insist on talking an abundance of time to work a move without consideration for others, your fate will be unsavory as you burn in the bloody pus of fire and ice.
2. Bouldering – Bouldering.  It may seem extreme, but if you boulder, it looks like you’re going to hell.  Not only that, but it seems as though your transgressions will land you in the eternal stank breath of the devil.
3. Fare retromarcia in parcheggio angolato – Backing into angled parking.  Perhaps the greatest sin for any climber as well as any person.  Angled parking is designed to make it easy to pull in and back out.  To back into an angled parking spot ignores the feat of civil engineering that went into creating the most ideal parking situation, especially when accounting for ease, safety, and space.  To ignore custom is one thing, but to ignore the wisdom of angled parking will cost you the depth of your withering spirit, as you are perpetually chewed in the acidic burning jowls of the beast.

Be warned “this miserable way is taken by the sorry souls of those who lived without disgrace and without praise. They now commingle with the coward angels, the company of those who were not rebels.”  Those who back into angled parking, the heavens have cast them out, even the wicked cannot glory in them.

Now, as we return from our expedited journey, follow the path of the righteous, take no care to rest, but climb to the beautiful things that the heavens bear, come forth (without ever again backing in to angled parking) and once more see the stars.