Here We Go, I’m Engaged!

Well, here we go. I am officially engaged!

I figured I’d use my post today to let everyone know, and try and get as much pre-marital wisdom out of you guys as possible…

My fiancé and I have been dating now for over six years, so it wasn’t too much of a surprise, but despite knowing this was coming, I’m more excited now than ever to get spend the rest of my life with this girl.

Okay now don’t worry, I’m done with all the mushy stuff. Today I’d like to discuss one important thing about my relationship with my fiancé. I’ve learned what I think is a lot over the course of this relationship, and I’d like to discuss one of those lessons and hear what you think. Unfortunately it centers around something about me that’s a bit embarrassing. And, of course, it involves rock climbing.

My fiancé and I luckily don’t argue too much, but keep In mind, we’ve been together since I was literally 15. So we’ve gotten in a TON of silly arguments. One common one back in the day usually went like this:

We both go to the rock climbing gym to hang-out and climb. I’m having fun for a good while, until I realize… my fiancé is *ironic gasp* not having as much fun as me! I promptly start questioning her about how I can help her have a good time (good naturedly of course) and encourage her to keep trying out different climbs. This continues until I have literally pointed out every climb in the gym for her to try, she’s irritated that I’m pressuring her, and I’m feeling like she doesn’t want to hang out with me. These feelings would inevitably boil over in our little young adult minds into some sort of spat later. 

I think that the overarching problem in this scenario is that I simply love rock climbing so much, and I am a bit too aggressive as I try and share that love with others. My fiancé simply didn’t take to the sport like I did, and instead of realizing that, I tried to push further and further, hoping I could help her find the same love I had found.

I think that was a valuable lesson for me to learn for other scenarios as well, not just those in relationships. I think I do this to myself fairly often as well. Pushing myself ahead to do something that I think will be good for me for WAY too long, all the while forgetting the things that I really need waiting behind me.

One time, while training for the Spartan race I ran a while back, I decided I wanted to try and run a sub 5 minute mile. After literal months and months of running one mile as fast as I could every single day, I was regressing. It’s so important to step back and realize that sometimes, pushing harder isn’t the best way to get things done. A lot of the time it takes, well, time.

When it comes to people, I am learning to step back and let others around me just be themselves without steamrolling them into the box I think they should be in. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I do this, but it’s just the truth.

Anyways, thanks so much for reading. I would absolutely love to get your wedding/marriage advice and it will not fall on deaf ears!

Casen (Co-writer)

49 Replies to “Here We Go, I’m Engaged!”

  1. Congratulations that is so so awesome! She looks so great. With the sun shining down on you like a blessing! I think what you wrote is very wise about letting people be themselves. That’s what people have always told me is to give the person I love space to be themselves. I think if you really remember that she will be so happy. A lot of guys don’t have that kind of respect that you do. And if you have that much love and support for her as I feel shining through this piece then I see a lot of joy in the future for you guys. Keep us in touch about the wedding plans and we are so thrilled.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Felicidades 🎉🙌✅ my friends went out for 7 years then married and 6 months later Divorced; a big Angora 🐈 came betwixt. She thought his mom owned the yuge 🐱 Nah, his, And I don’t go anywhere without my 🐈 !🤣Divorce! Make sure y’all tell each other lil things 👌🏿

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ummm…RUN! jk, Congrats. Simply be open minded, adult and always honest with each other and the rest you’ll figure when and if you need to, together. Best of luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Congratulations! You seem to have figured out that you don’t have to share everything. If you have different interests and do things separately, you have stuff to talk about at the end of the day. That way, you get to relive your day when you tell her about it, and experience her day vicariously while you listen to her. (Remember that second part – listen to her – it’s easy to be excited about your interests. You might need to learn to be interested in hers.)

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Congratulations!
    The advice I would give you is to always remember why you fell in love in the first place. Always be patient with one another, communicate with one another and support each other in everything in life. God bless.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I thought premarital wisdom was a sin…

    My daughter is getting married on Halloween to a guy she’s been with for several years. Wife and I got married a year after we’d bought a condo and lived together for a year. We’d known each other for a year before that. My feeling is that if you believe that marriage should last, engagements should always be long and you should live together to see if there are any rough edges either of you can’t deal with.

    To me marriage is about children and there’s no point in the formality otherwise. Children need that extra bit of security. I am a firm believer that a two parent household that has legal obligations written into it is the best way to raise children. If nothing else it makes estate planning easier.

    I think it is best when the parents are diverse in many ways. Children learn more that way and have a broader set of role models to work from. They learn from different cultures and different points of view.

    Your differences are your strengths, not your weaknesses. My wife is a liberal Jewish city girl while I’m more of a libertarian mid-western country boy. There are times when her background is what is needed and times when mine is right for the situation. My daughter ended up a progressive activist who fixes her own car and can shoot.

    The two of you will change over the coming years. Having a long relationship behind you makes it less likely you will suddenly fly apart at the seams. But you will still change in different ways you don’t anticipate. Arguments directly about money – or issues stemming from money that get expressed as anger over other things – are the most common reasons for breaking up. Even if you don’t worry about money now, I guarantee you will in the future.

    Being pissed off about one thing can cause you to fly off the handle over something entirely different and really quite trivial. If you suddenly find yourself enraged because he left the toilet seat up, that’s not what you’re really angry about. Take deep calming breaths as you put the seat down and look into yourself to see what is really wrong. Then have a calm talk about that.

    If one of you becomes more materialistic and the other becomes less materialistic, there will be stress. If one of you is out of work there will be tremendous stress. If you both lose employment you’ll be in a real pressure cooker. My suggestion is to live below your means at all times. Your credit ratings will be higher and your financial stress will be lower. Losing employment wont be as much of a shock. To the extent possible, both of you should have multiple diverse ways you could make a living so that unemployment won’t last longer than you want and you’ll be protected against financial craziness.

    If you buy a home, understand that’s your assured retrement money. You should *already* be thinking about retirement and college funds. Visit a financial planner.

    Social security is currently miniscule. Tomorrow it will be microscopic, if not gone. Very few employers have pension plans anymore and with corporate malfeasance or stupidty, pensions can disappear. Stock and bonds and more complex financial devices go up and down. But God keeps making more people but he doesn’t make any more land. Building a house never does anthing but get more expensive. A home is always a place to stay warm and dry and safe. It will never lose that value.

    Use that house to create a legacy for your children. Or sell it and buy smething smaller when you no longer need the space. Buy a motorhome and explore the country. Or take the money out again as a reverse mortgage. Up to you.

    The way we do it is all our money goes into a common bucket but we keep separate credit histories. Her checking account has my name on it and mine has hers. Savings accounts are in separate names and a percenage of each person’s income (after 401K, IRA, 529 contributions, taxes bills, etc.) goes there. That way you can blow your persnal savings account without blowing the family finances. Household expenses aside, any large expendature from a checking account or credit card or widrawals from savings plans *has* to be discussed and mutually approved.

    Both of you should look at eacher other’s credit statements every month and combine them into the household budget. At the same time if you want to go out and blow your entire savings account on a poker tournament or a bunch of rad new climbing gear, you can do so without guilt. That’s what it is there for.

    We have a kind of a free range marriage. I run off to nudist activities and long solo hikes and camping out with strange internet groups. She isn’t as crazy but she goes off on trips to Mexico with her girlfriend. It isn’t a problem. We trust each other not to do anything too stupid and definitely nothing that would involve extracurricular amorous activity. Nether of us likes to be controlled. I don’t think it works if both parties aren’t of the same mind. But since you have known each other for all that time, you’ve probaly adjusted to each other.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Congrats! Marriage advice?? Communication, maintaining not only the love, but the friendship between you both and knowing that your life together will have ups and downs and when you have a down that the rise up makes you both stronger and better people and maybe eventually better parents.
    We don’t do everything together but we do support each other in the things we love.
    Best wishes to you both.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Phyllis and I have been married for forty-eight years. I’ve found it’s always better to ask a question rather than state a position or declare an opinion.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Congrats! Just be yourself from the beginning and build your own home. One man’s meat can be another man’s poison. What work to others might not work for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Congratulations! You make a lovely couple. After 25 years I’d suggest remembering that love isn’t a feeling. It’s a decision you have make each day. Blessings on the continuation of your life together.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Congrats on the upcoming nuptuials! As far as advice goes, all I can say is do what works for the two of you. Every relationship is different and every relationship has challenges. I think mutual respect and commitment to the relationship go a long way. After 20 years of knowing each other, my hubby and I are still learning how to live with each other! There are always new challenges, situations, and stresses. We went outdoor climbing on Saturday, my first time since moving to NV. It was so much fun and I can’t wait to learn more about outdoor climbing, especially trad. There is soooo much granite around here! Anyway, I asked my hubby what the best part of his day was and his response (without hesitation) was “seeing you have fun”. I was so touched! Hope this helps–blessings to you both.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Congratulations! And very wise not to impose your love for rock climbing on your future wife. I’m a health food nut and while my husband goes to healthy restaurants with me and enjoys it (as well as my healthy cooking), he still loves his White Castle burgers. The beauty of love is accepting the other for who he/she is and still having an amazing, fun, growing life together. You are well on your way! Cheers from NJ!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh, heart felt congratulations to you and your financee and thank you v.v.v much for all the times you read my blog. As for wedding advice well… as a dog, I’d tell you to do all the wise stuff is done through smell but, my person – who has just celebrated her 40th Wedding Anniversay – says that might not be appreciated. She says a big open heart, empathy, compassion and ability to say “I was wrong, I’m sorry”, go a long way. Beyond that it’s just about getting through life together and, in the hard times, look for the absurdity of it all and find ways to laugh at that together. All sounds a bit laudible to me. I still reckon you should rub along nicely if you smell friendly. All best wishes, Ben.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Congratulations! I see you already have wisdom in learning not to impose your will on your lady. It always goes back to the golden rule. We want to treat others as we would want them to treat us.

    Some people may try to get on board with certain activities, and it may not catch with them, or they may catch onto it later. Either way, I don’t think anyone wants to be pressured.

    I see that you seem to have the right attitude about the seriousness of the marriage covenant, and actually want advice. I’m not sure if you attend a church where you can get some good marriage counseling?

    Communication is key in marriage, as well as receptivity, loyalty, respect, and selflessness. Commitment to loving your spouse(not based on feelings, but an act of the will), and to not stop dating, even after you have children is important. Having date nights and keeping things exciting will take intentional effort.

    Husband and wife quality time is so important. Sadly, I hear some couples say they were doing fine until the children came along. It defintely does not have to be that way!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Never go to bed mad and remember why you fell in love. Congratulations!! That’s wonderful!! My late husband and I dated for 18 months, got engaged June 7, 1996 and we married March 20, 2016. Yes, almost 20 years. It was 20 years from when he moved in with me. Don’t sweat the small stuff and always resolve the big stuff. Don’t let it hang over you … ever. Best of luck to you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Hi, I am replying to The Dihedral post, Here we go I’m Engaged.

    I’m interested to share the following in case it’s helpful.

    My ex-husband and I met through rockclimbing. Our marriage ended (after a decade or so) but we share two kids, and the spirit of adventure and excitement around rockclimbing and life is still there, even though I lost interest in climbing after a while and we no longer climb together.

    These are a couple of my views, and it could explain any lack of enthusiasm at times in your partner:

    – females are the most vulnerable in our modern world, to going out of balance for want of being able to stop and nurture themselves, or recoup, adequately enough. You could be the best partner in the world, and still her need as a female will be stronger than yours for being nurtured and keeping her energy in balance. That’s particularly so in any times of change. I recommend having a quick look at my post “male-female balance”, for a more detailed discussion on that topic.

    I also do mediumship readings and would be able to do one, preferably for a fair exchange. I can see a couple of things from the photo and it could be helpful to share them, however I feel there needs to be an exchange with that. In general I feel you have a good chance as a couple, if that helps.

    Liked by 1 person

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