This week theDIHEDRAL team is tasked with creating a hypothetical route of any style, describing it and finally naming this imagined climb1.
If I’m putting up a route, I’d want it to be a sport route. One pitch, lots of movement and accessible to climbers of all levels. Something in the 5.9 – 5.10 range on limestone. The ideal reaction from those who climb it would be ‘WOW that was very fun!’. If possible, the view from the top of the route would look over something breathtaking. The feeling of accomplishment garnished with a little sublimity, that would be the dream. The finalists for the name boil down to Descartes’ Dream, That’s Pretty Nietzsche, and The Schopenhauer Cure. Since we aren’t putting up three routes, this beaut will have to be known as…
The Schopenhauer Cure (5.10a)
I’m with Carrot on this one…my route would totally be a single pitch sport route. You already know there’d be some nice potential for ridiculous high-clips. To make it worth your while, the route would be about 90ft; you’d need a solid 60-70m rope with you. Because of the height, it would have a variety of features and geometries, though it would be mostly vertical (only short roof or slab parts). There’d be this massive arete that you have to use most of the way, and every climber would be undecided as to whether (a) they need the arete (b) it should be a lay back or (c) straddling the arete is the way to go. Gotta keep ‘em guessing. Since there would be a number of slopers to compress on, this route would be on some sharp sandstone where the sun warms it every day over the tree-tops, but it would likely still be an 5.11a (an accessible one). No one will send this first go, but once they climb it they’ll never stop coming back to this route to tweak their beta, so it will be named Recursion Excursion (5.11a).
Recursion Excursion (5.11a)
My outdoor route would be called “The Ego Booster.” A 5.9 route that has the appearance of a 5.12 or higher. In fact, all the guide books call it a 5.12+. All the holds will look like pinches from the naked eye down below, but you are really holding on to nice, beautiful jugs (that’s what she said?). Pictures taken from any angle will make your butt look amazing on this climb. And once you’re done, you’ll say, “Man, that was a pretty breezy route…what was that…like a 5.9?” and your partner will reply, “Actually, it says here that it’s a 5.12+.” And you’ll be like, “Wow, I can do anything now.” And your ego is boosted. And you climb everything you attempt after that. You are amazing. Go forth, fierce climber.
The Ego Booster (5.9)
My ideal climb would be a bouldering problem that calls for dynamics and flexibility. Why? Because it looks cool and fun! This is the type of route that anyone with hip extension can enjoy and look fantastic while doing so. My vision is very anime style, where the underdog with hidden talent leaves everyone speechless as a hype J-pop song plays in the background. “Wow, definitely underestimated him/her. This person has more ability than we thought.” “Damn, the spider of the boulder at it again. Can’t wait for my turn!” A problem that will push others to try and do better, while having fun and being overall supportive. You tag the grade! V2,V3,V5,V9? Cater to your ability, but have fun, look cool, and inspire others!
The Anime Problem (V?)
- If anyone has access to unestablished rock that resembles any of these descriptions, please feel free to let us know. We’d love to put these names on some actual rocks!