Intro – before you get offended…
Ok so before you sound off on me and get offended let me start by saying that…actually you should be offended because I’m calling you all big dumb dumbs, myself included. You should probably carry on being offended.
Yes, what I’m trying to discuss here is the blatant idiocy of the average climber. I have several examples to justify my point that we may be all brain damaged to a severe degree. You will probably be convinced, being so stupid yourself, and you may even concur that there is no hope for us, no light at the end of this dumbassery tunnel.
Example #1 – The Shoes
Us climbers will often subject ourselves to an extreme amount of pain (more on that later). One of the worst of them being shoes tight enough to restrict any bloodflow to your digits. The idea behind this being why are you letting me explain this to you all? All you need to know is that it RESTRICTS THE BLOOD FLOW TO MY SAD LITTLE TOES.
Beyond this causing distress (at least until the sweet release of numbness occurs), there is another extreme side effect that develops. You see, because our shoes are so ridiculously small, we often don’t wear socks with them. Because we don’t wear socks with them, they can have a tendency to wake your dead ancestors with the god awful smell they produce.
Example #2 – The Finger Sacrifice
Let me take you back to one of my first experiences with gym climbing. My sister and I decided to do a small group lesson that was offered to us for practically nothing. The facilitator for this event was a man that we’ll call Chad.
Chad was a fantastic climber and teacher, first of all. He gave us a quick overview of fundamentals and created an environment where we didn’t feel bad that we all sucked so much at this newfound sport.
Chad was also, however, insane.
Chad showed us his mangled fingers from years of hard climbing. His knuckles looked huge and swollen. He showed us how he could only bend his fingers an inch down, unable to make a fist. He said this like he was proud of it.
But worse is that we kept climbing after seeing this.
Crazy. Perplexing. Dumbness.
Example #3 – The General Disregard for Life and Safety
This is obvious. Everything in our being should be telling us not to climb in high spaces for no reason. A basic instinct. If there isn’t food or water up there, we should be repulsed from putting our bodies into that kind of danger. We do it anyway. Broken brain. Brain bad. No work brain.
So, as you can plainly see, the passion for the climb is due to a lack of something very important in our cerebellum or some shit. I don’t know what exactly because I am also suffering from the dumbs.
Chances are it’s too late for any of us. There is no cure. We have to keep on breaking fingers and risking our lives and ruining our feet. But we go on for this insane sport that combines a level of puzzle solving with athleticism, that creates a unique experience every time you go, and that connects all of us crazy stupids.
I accept this fate.