theDIHEDRAL team was asked to make a difficult choice this week. The question every sportsman wants to know.
Out of the Seven Dwarves, who would be your climbing partner on the Dawn Wall, and why?
Listen, I know there’s a lot of stand-up dwarves in Snow White. They’re all well-meaning, good folks. But, when it comes to choosing a climbing partner for something Like the Dawn Wall…for me, the choice is obviously Grumpy. I mean, yeah, he’s an ass-kabob, but the man is passionate. He’ll get things done and get them done right. Grumpy has some serious old man/after-the-war vibes. He won’t put up with any whininess or boo-hooing, and that’s the kind of dude I need in my corner when I’m taking on a difficult climb. He’ll probably take those pickaxes and, I don’t know, maybe that will help me in some way. The downfall of this decision would be the snacks. I really just don’t picture Grumpy packing any snacks for me. He might put like two granola bars in his sack for himself but that’s it. The greedy bastard. Grumpy also won’t be great to talk to on breaks. I mean, anything I try to bring up will be greeted with grumbles. That’s his name, after all. But it’s going to be worth it when we summit that route. I’d probably see him crack a smile before he realizes and gets embarrassed, and that would be a real humanizing moment for his character. We’d have this unspoken “buddy comedy” type bond where, yeah, I annoy him and all but we’re climbing partners through and through.
I was not all too familiar with the Snow White story, so I had to do a little background check on these guys. Depending on which particular story you look into, the dwarves can be described as anything from vengeful sociopathic killers to loveable bartering miners with an inability to clean up after themselves. My favorite iteration of the Seven Dwarves has to be the Sesame Street combo of Clumsy, Vertigo, Gassy, Itchy, Smelly, Sensitive-Nose, and Hammy. For the record, if I were to pick one of these dwarves, it would be Sensitive-Nose all the way. That has to be the best name I’ve ever heard. But, I think it would only be fair to stick with the most popular version of the Seven Dwarves, and go with an option from Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Leaving aside the insanity of this particular story, my picks boiled down to Doc (the smart dwarf), Happy (the happy dwarf), and Bashful (the kind-hearted dwarf). In the end I went with Bashful. He seems like a crusher, and if I’m on big rock, it will be reassuring to know that if I drop my granola, Bashful would share his snacks. If I am struggling on a pitch, Bashful will be there with encouragement. And if I happen to choke on an apple, you know Bashful will come through with a glass coffin until a necrophiliac comes to take me away.
I have very little recollection of the Seven Dwarves from Snow White, but I do remember a little rascal in the background…
He was always up to something…
Ah, yes. Dopey.
I’m not a very hyper person, and I really enjoy laid back people. If I were going to climb the Dawn Wall, we all know it would take me days and days and days…who knows how long. So, I’d need a chill partner who won’t drive me up the walls (pun intended). Who better than a funny, mute character? He won’t talk endlessly, but he’ll still be a good time. Sure, I’d be a little worried for my safety…I would not put it past the guy to go off belay for fun…but maybe that’s the kind of motivation I need to send.