Ritual

Continuing with the apocalyptic nature of the current decade, California and Nevada have burst into flames. The Caldor fires that have been tragically burning for weeks had come quite close to encroaching on Lake Tahoe. 

I feel for all the people, animals and nature impacted by such a terrible event. The west and Tahoe hold a special place in my heart, so this hit close to home. I hope they continue to see positive progression in keeping these fires at bay.

The whole tragedy got me reminiscing about my times out there, and I realized there are some things I MUST share. 

My family has created a lot of ULTRA important must-do rituals surrounding the mountain lake. 

…Now when I say it like that it sounds very Koresh or Jim Jones-esque, but I swear I’m not trying to indoctrinate you into anything. I’m just telling you that if you don’t do these very specific things, you will not have a PERFECT TAHOE DAY © …and maybe a spirit demon will give you depression.***

STEP ONE  – FREEZE

You MUST go to the lake (I love Nevada Beach, but others like Baldwin or Sand Harbor are acceptable). Bringing food and drink is encouraged but optional. Jumping in the cold mountain lake (without touching it first!!!) is, however, mandatory. If you’re cold, too bad, because you must stay and watch the sunset.

I thought too hard about what age I got boobs for this picture.

STEP TWO – HEART ATTACK

After you’ve observed the sunset and said goodbye to the lake by tossing some sand over your left shoulder (just because), you must go and get some heart attack/greasy burgers from Izzy’s. This is non-negotiable. Don’t worry though, your heart is pumping EXTRA now that it’s warming up from your ice jump. I’m sure you’ll be fine.

This is the most accurate picture of a heart you will ever see. I guarantee it.

STEP THREE – RIVALRY

Now it’s time to putt putt! But this ain’t no cute game. You better be in it to win it. Head over to Magic Carpet Golf and play so competitively that you alienate all the other families trying to have a good time.

Hitting balls through windmills and castles is serious business.

STEP FOUR – MONEY WASTER

You gotta have the juxtaposition of nature and capitalism, so check out one of the many casinos on the Nevada side of the lake. If you’re not into gambling, a well-suited arcade is also acceptable. But you must win something at whatever you do. Either money at the machines or tables, oooor tickets from arcade games that you can trade for one of those sticky hands and a Dum-Dum pop.

Ok. Winning only sometimes works.

STEP FIVE – STARGAZE AND DON’T GET EATEN

Next, stop at Logan Shoals (or your favorite overlook) and marvel at the clear skies (sans fire). You will definitely hear rustling somewhere that will scare the shit out of you as you’re doing this. It’s probably not a bear or a serial killer, but it could be. So, you know. Watch yo’self.

There you have it. Follow these steps and you will appease the Tahoe Gods, you heathens. 

**And on a more serious note, if you are at all affected by the fires out there, I’m truly sorry and I hope you’re safe. Stay strong.

@chubbygirlclimbing is not a cult leader

8 Replies to “Ritual”

  1. The tits freezing off thing! 😂 I’ve suffered from that also. 😭🙏 ;)) Among other things here, though not yet at Tahoe…
    Fun yet touching write. <33

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This Californian whom was also teethed in Tahoe, got boobs in Plumas and is finding her way (finally) in the Klamath Mountains – all landscapes currently experiencing massive devastating wildfires – needed and loved, loved, loved this lighthearted genuine list. Thank you, you perked up my day!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is my kind of humor!

    I hate the idea of fire destroying any community, but also frustrated that certain areas get so much more national news coverage because they are well-known. For me in Washington State we had a significant fire on the Spokane Indian Reservation and one outside of the rez near where I grew up, all very modest mobile homes and stick built homes of people I know. They had/have no insurance and were barely surviving before their homes were taken by fire! I don’t doubt that the popular, well-to-do Tahoe area will get more resources after all is said and done.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your humor and love for Lake Tahoe connected deeply. Just now, for the first time in weeks, the sunrise and the Crystal Range show under the blue, orange, gold sky. We can inhale without coughing. Yes, the Lake basin has some moneyed folks. The basin also has many regular folk, and the communities surrounding the Tahoe region are made up of farmers, ranchers, teachers, and … (you get the idea). Everywhere, in every state or nation, the waters, the mountains, the trees, and the exhausted firefighters need our compassion.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve just followed your blog because I haven’t laughed out loud so much reading about the outdoors. I loved “You gotta have the juxtaposition of nature and capitalism, so check out one of the many casinos on the Nevada side of the lake.” The sketches are so funny too. I’ll be sure to keep reading! Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

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