If The Muppets were Climbers

Have you ever wondered what type of climber your favorite Muppet would be? You aren’t alone, neither has anyone else. But that’s what we’re here for. Answering the questions that no one has ever bothered to ask.

There are over 3,400 Muppets that primarily exist in three different shows, Sesame Street, The Muppet Show, and Fraggle Rock. They are the brainchild of Jim Henson, and have been appearing in different forms since the 1950’s. Throughout the history of Muppets there have been very few examples of rock climbing, but it’s my opinion that within each Muppet lies some variety of climber.

If you look deep enough into the soulless eyes of a Muppet, their inner climber is just sitting there, chalked up, and waiting to reveal itself to anyone willing to dig deep enough into the fur covered shell of their psyche. I am that willing person, and what follows is the inner climber of 17 Muppets!

1. Beaker – Understandably afraid of everything after being blown up by his lab partner dozens of times. There is no way Beaker is trusting the rope in anyone’s hands but his own. Beaker’s strength to weight ratio is off the charts, and for that reason Beaker is a boulderer.
2. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew – With his lab partner (Beaker) sending boulder problems with strength, Honeydew is forced to keep up by using his brain. Honeydew can read a route with the best of them (Does Honeydew even have eyes) and he can always calculate the most efficient way up any rock. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew isn’t leaving his best buddy to climb alone, and for this reason, Honeydew is a boulderer.
3. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem – This is The Muppet Show house band consisting of Dr. Teeth, Animal, Janice, Floyd, and Zoot. The ultimate dirtbag van lifers. This rowdy group of musician climbers are down to hop on anything. They have a raggedy rack of gear handed down and picked up from various crags around the world. From J-Tree bouldering to mixed routes in Alberta, the Mayhem just wants to climb and live free. They slurp more Top Ramen than any Muppet should, and are always down for a campfire sing-a-long. If you find yourself in the presence of The Mayhem, be prepared to climb hard and have fun! The Mayhem climb everything.
4. Statler and Waldorf – These grumpy old men really don’t care much for climbing or anything else for that matter. They’d prefer to critique other Muppets bad beta, than actually hop on a route. With their closed-minded attitude and aversion to change, the only climbing you’ll see Statler and Waldorf doing would be on the Capitol Steps the day after an election. For this reason Statler and Waldorf are Buliderers.
5. Swedish Chef – He can cook with the worst of them. The guy is a classically trained chef, but has zero kitchen skills. His sloppy demeanor, and indistinguishable speaking qualities make him seem like he would be a nightmare on the rocks. But, his upbringing in the mountains of Sweden have given him a sense of grace at high altitude, for this reason The Swedish Chef is an alpinist!
6. Miss Piggy and Camilla the Chicken – You might expect to see the Pig and the Chicken shipped up with Kermit and Gonzo, but these two crushers don’t have time to be weighed down by the boys. These trad mammas are off sending splitter cracks in the desert. You won’t find them on 8a.nu or Instagram posing for photos. They aren’t in it for the glory, they are in it for the thrill of the climb and for that reason Miss Piggy and Camilla are trad climbers from head to hoof/foot.
7. Kermit the Frog and Gonzo – While their love interests are getting high on crack, Kermit and Gonzo are making the power moves on the sport routes. Obviously Kermie can hit the dynos, but Gonzo, a stunt performer by trade has surprisingly good hops for a … for a whatever. They hate to admit it, but they are grade chasers, and for this reason, Kermit the Frog and Gonzo are sport climbers.
8. Fozzy Bear – The thing I love about Fozzy is his never quit attitude. This is the exact attitude it takes to be a stand-up comedian. Fozzy’s jokes don’t always hit, but despite the L’s Fozzy just never gives up. Bears are naturally gifted climbers, and Fozzy is no different. At times, he’s a little reckless on stage, but on the rocks, it’s pure focus. A gifted climber who spends a lot of time alone on the road, and for this reason, Fozzy the Bear is rope soloer.
9. Rowlf the Dog and Scooter – Everyone else is out here messing around compared to what Rowlf and Scooter are doing on rocks. The biggest sends, the fastest times, the hardest routes, these two are definitely friends with Jimmy Chin. They have a new documentary on Netflix. They have a signature line of gear with Black Diamond. Rowlf and Scooter teach a Masterclass on climbing. Their drive and dedication is unparalleled, and for this reason Rowlf the Dog and Scooter do it all.

Jim Henson was a genius and it’s time we recognize his Muppets for what they are. They are lovers, they are dreamers, they are just hoping for something better to come along! That something better is and has always been life on the rocks!