The *Ultimate* Hands Quiz

(because you have to say “ultimate” in a quiz, I’ve learned from hours of research)

Climbers’ hands can get notoriously whack, for lack of a better word (do not write me with better words), due to the nature of the sport…but HOW whack, do you ask? How far have your hands gone? Are they mangled meat lumps or the pristine hands of a meek, wealthy-but-sad Victorian child who’s never worked a day in their life? There’s really no way to know without taking this quiz.

1. How often do you climb?
   • Couple times a month, maybe. It’s a supplemental sport to other exercises for me. (10 points)
   • Few times a week. Climbing is my main form of exercise! (15 points)
   • Every day. Every hour. What is life without the climb? Climbing is life. Climbing is death. Climbing is all. (20 points)
2. Where do you climb?
   • Always in a climbing gym. (10 pts.)
   • A mix of the gym and outdoor climbing. (15 pts.)
   • Where do I NOT climb is a better question. I climbed my way into work this morning. I’ll traverse across grocery store aisles. Don’t tell me that there’s a time and a place for climbing! (20 pts.)
3. What kind of climbing do you do?
   • Sport. (10 pts.)
   • Sport and maybe some crack and trad climbing. (15 pts.)
   • I punch my fists into the face of the wall I’m about to climb and hope for the best. (20 pts.)
4. What are your favorite kinds of holds?
   • Well, jugs if I’m being honest. (10 pts.)
   • Jugs and slopers! But I’ll take a pinch if it’s substantial! (15 pts.)
   • Anything I can get my hands on. I will shove my finger into the holes of the gym climbing wall. I will grip a hold so tightly it might turn into dust. (20 pts.)
5. Imagine you get to the crag and you want a snacky snack before starting a route…what do you go for?
   • A power bar in a tightly sealed wrapper. (10 pts.)
   • Some trail mix in a sandwich baggy. (15 pts.)
   • My partner opens up one of those squeezable yogurts and feeds it to me like a baby bird. (20 pts.)

Add up your points and look below for your hands!

50-65 points

You have the hands of a Michelangelo painting. Maybe you need some lotion, but otherwise, pristine. Congratulations!

70-85 points

You have Lego hands! I mean. They function. You can grab stuff. But you probably can’t make a full fist. That’s ok. You’re great!

90- 100 points

You have Booger Mcfarland hands. The hands of a man that has had hundreds and hundreds of pounds pushed against his digits. But you’re probably a dope climber. All the better to get you up the wall, you mangled yet majestic athlete!