Yes, I know. I already wrote about Bentham Bot. Some of you are probably thinking, “Carrot, we get it, you made a calculator.” But some ideas are too important for just one post. Bentham Bot is philosophically significant, pragmatically essential, and, if I’m being honest, the only thing standing between most of us and total decision paralysis. Kant wrote three Critiques. The least I can do is write two posts.
Every climber knows the feeling. You’re at the base of the route, harness on, shoes laced, and suddenly you can’t move. Should I lead it? Should I top-rope it? Should I eat my second Clif Bar first? Should I just go home and reorganize my rack?
Fear not, decision-weary dirtbag. theDIHEDRAL is proud to present Bentham Bot, the world’s first* pocket felicific calculus, and quite possibly the most important climbing innovation since sticky rubber.
*Not verified.
For those who skipped Intro to Ethics: Jeremy Bentham was an 18th-century philosopher who believed every decision could be measured by the pleasure and pain it produces. He came up with seven variables to do the measuring: intensity, duration, certainty, propinquity, fecundity, purity, and extent. He also had his body preserved and put on display at University College London, so he clearly knew a thing or two about bold choices.
Bentham Bot takes those seven variables, gives each one a slider, and spits out a single score from 1 to 100. No overthinking. No group chat polls. No calling your mom.
Here’s a small sample of what Bentham Bot can do:
- The extra Clif Bar. High intensity, short duration, total certainty, and terrible fecundity once the approach starts. Bentham Bot does the math in seconds. Your stomach has been trying to do it for years.
- Leading vs. top-roping. Bentham Bot can’t hold your rope, but it can help you decide whether you should be the one asking someone else to.
- Bailing on a route. Is leaving a carabiner at the anchor a tragedy, or an investment in your future? Ask Bentham.
- Choosing a crag. Set extent to 10, because your whole friend group is going to complain either way.
- Proposing at Garden of the Gods. Intensity: off the charts. Duration: hopefully forever. Certainty: you tell me. Propinquity: depends on how long it takes to find the ring in your chalk bag. Extent: both families, the photographer, and a busload of tourists. Bentham Bot has never officially been credited with an engagement, but it has never been blamed for a breakup either.
Not a climber? No problem. Bentham Bot is cleared for lunch orders, college majors, haircuts, and whether to text your ex. (We didn’t even need to run that one.)
Disclaimer: Bentham Bot will not belay you, hold your beer, or accept responsibility for any engagements, breakups, or extra Clif Bars. It doesn’t make the decision for you. It just helps you think it through, which is more than most of your climbing partners will do.
Try Bentham Bot today. Or don’t. Actually, run it through Bentham Bot first.
Given the gross error rate in ChatGPT queries, and my own personal error rate, Bentham Bot could be a big improvement.
Haha…great point Robert, I’ll have to add that to the list of plusses!!!
OK Carrot — I WAS proposed to at the Garden of the Gods. I don’t know where empirical experience counts in Bentham’s system, but the proposal didn’t work out. It might just be better to head up to the top of one of the Kissing Camels and watch the sunset…with your sibling.
The dependence on prediction is a major fault in the system. I need to work on a Carrot Bot that somehow overcomes the unknowns of the that pesky future! Also…proposal at Garden of the Gods, look at you Martha!!!