Exist loudly & Don’t forget to breathe.

This post is in celebration of my one year in recovery after a major depressive episode alongside self-harm. To start I would like to inform you that the self-harm I will be speaking of isn’t what most acknowledge. My type of self-harm was malnourishment to my body and self-hate.  This post is also hard to make since I thought this sort of thing could never happen to me, it should have never happened. I’m so well educated in psychology I could have saved myself.

This time last year, it felt like the floor had been ripped right out from underneath me. In a matter of minute my life turned into a nightmare. Over a span of two days I had twenty-two anxiety attacks. And if you have ever experienced one in the slightest you know just how terrible that can be. My parents couldn’t grasp just how quickly things turned south, they couldn’t do anything but watch as I sunk into nothingness. Soon after, I had sadly fallen into the head space that I wasn’t important and this I could eventually if I tried hard enough simply fade away. I would be gone and stop being a burden to those looking after me. It’s funny how the brain works, you live your entire life seemingly “normal” with a few mental health issues, as the doctors said “normal cognitive road obstacles” for my age at those times.

So after four months of this sad excuse for existence, I decided I was done putting chemicals into my body, I was done feeling sorry for myself and I knew that only I could help myself. I was going to do something worthwhile for my body, that’s when I took to the wall. Every doctor or psychologist will tell you exercise is the best medicine. Every day I would do as many routes as I could until I burned out. I started to train and put actual food into my body.

I learned how to fuel my body and mind in an environment I knew I could thrive in. Many climbers helped me along my journey and I could never repay the lessons, knowledge, and encouragement they passed on to me. Climbing really gave me a reason to live again, to wake up and do something. Climbing challenged me to step outside my comfort zones and really taught me how to control my anxiety.

But there were some days where I couldn’t make it to the gym, those where the days I would learn to love the world around me, I may live in a growing city but let me tell you. there is always beautiful places to explore, places where the air is pure and places where you can find yourself. I took early morning yoga at the park, I learned to quiet my mind, how to use the energy nature provides us everyday. again I learned how to take care of my body  and mind. the little things that we forget about until we lose it all.

It has been a year and it has been a daily struggle to not lose and let go of what I have learned. And I will continue to learn,  continue to struggle, and continue to thrive. I hope that some day my story can help others facing such darkness. always remember that your story is never over.

Cheers to another year of healthy living!! Stay strong, carry on, don’t panic.

As always, thank you so much for the read!

Sarah Co-writer theDIHEDRAL




22 Replies to “Exist loudly & Don’t forget to breathe.”

  1. We love how transparent you are in this post! It’s so inspiring to read how you were able to push through the challenges. Thank you for sharing something so personal, may you celebrate many more years of healthy living!😊

    Liked by 2 people

  2. In the Real World

    I am here again
    In a forest
    A forest new to my eyes but familiar to my soul

    We know, we know each time we leave the city
    Just for a while, a part of a day, that’s all,
    How it is when we return to the Real World

    This world has moss-laden, ancient rocks
    Still rising after the glacier’s departure

    Blueberries and lingonberries
    Over-ripe in their last days
    Broken, dead branches giving life to the soil
    And sheltering small beings

    The beautiful heather of the northern climes
    The stands of tall and silent pines
    The insolent mushrooms at their feet
    The lazy insects of early autumn

    And this wanderer,
    Replenishing his store of stuff we cannot name
    Because there is no name
    For what happens to a wanderer in the forest

    In the Real World

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You rock! It’s so sad to see that so many people REALLY do believe that depression is some sort of random, uncontrollable checmical reaction in the brain which can ONLY be treated with pills (only because the doctors say so)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So glad I found The Dihedral, loving your blogs. Similarly this time last year I was in difficult place mentally saved myself with hiking, climbing and yoga. Nature really does nurture.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I wish I could hug you in person. You shine through your post and I am definitely thankful I came across your post. Praise you! Praise God. Thanks for your post! Keep posting!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for stopping by my blog. I am so pleased that you have moved mountains (so to speak)
    I wish you all the joy in the world and much happiness, as you certainly deserve it. I understand and hear you and know how difficult these challenges are… You go girl, I’ll be right behind you!
    “People are capable at any time of their lives, of doing what they dream of’ ~ this is one of my favourite authors Paulo Coelho who said this and it’s true.
    I also found my ‘zahir’ … Much love and mountain climbing

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You got this. There will still be some bad days, but when the good days out number the bad you are doing okay. I too have experienced severe depression and anxiety, I got through somehow and lived to tell the tale.

    Liked by 1 person

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