This post is in celebration of my one year in recovery after a major depressive episode alongside self-harm. To start I would like to inform you that the self-harm I will be speaking of isn’t what most acknowledge. My type of self-harm was malnourishment to my body and self-hate. This post is also hard to make since I thought this sort of thing could never happen to me, it should have never happened. I’m so well educated in psychology I could have saved myself.
This time last year, it felt like the floor had been ripped right out from underneath me. In a matter of minute my life turned into a nightmare. Over a span of two days I had twenty-two anxiety attacks. And if you have ever experienced one in the slightest you know just how terrible that can be. My parents couldn’t grasp just how quickly things turned south, they couldn’t do anything but watch as I sunk into nothingness. Soon after, I had sadly fallen into the head space that I wasn’t important and this I could eventually if I tried hard enough simply fade away. I would be gone and stop being a burden to those looking after me. It’s funny how the brain works, you live your entire life seemingly “normal” with a few mental health issues, as the doctors said “normal cognitive road obstacles” for my age at those times.
So after four months of this sad excuse for existence, I decided I was done putting chemicals into my body, I was done feeling sorry for myself and I knew that only I could help myself. I was going to do something worthwhile for my body, that’s when I took to the wall. Every doctor or psychologist will tell you exercise is the best medicine. Every day I would do as many routes as I could until I burned out. I started to train and put actual food into my body.
I learned how to fuel my body and mind in an environment I knew I could thrive in. Many climbers helped me along my journey and I could never repay the lessons, knowledge, and encouragement they passed on to me. Climbing really gave me a reason to live again, to wake up and do something. Climbing challenged me to step outside my comfort zones and really taught me how to control my anxiety.
But there were some days where I couldn’t make it to the gym, those where the days I would learn to love the world around me, I may live in a growing city but let me tell you. there is always beautiful places to explore, places where the air is pure and places where you can find yourself. I took early morning yoga at the park, I learned to quiet my mind, how to use the energy nature provides us everyday. again I learned how to take care of my body and mind. the little things that we forget about until we lose it all.
It has been a year and it has been a daily struggle to not lose and let go of what I have learned. And I will continue to learn, continue to struggle, and continue to thrive. I hope that some day my story can help others facing such darkness. always remember that your story is never over.
Cheers to another year of healthy living!! Stay strong, carry on, don’t panic.
As always, thank you so much for the read!