I am guessing that most of our readers have no idea who Carnac is? In a way Carnac is a Mystic from the East who can divine answers to questions that he hasn’t yet seen. Questions that have been placed in a hermetically sealed envelope and then placed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnalls’ porch since noon. Carnac has the power to place a sealed envelope a hermetically sealed envelope against his celestial noggin and foretell the answer to any question. Some call it sorcery. But in reality, Carnac is just a bit from the former Tonight Show host Johnny Carson. The bit saw Carson give a funny answer to those “unseen” questions. Oftentimes, the answers were so bad that the audience wouldn’t laugh at all, and “Carnac” would curse the audience with some nonsensical jinx.
Like Carnac, I’m not sure that many readers know much about Johnny Carson. Carson hosted The Tonight Show from 1962-1992. His reign was followed by Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jay Leno (again), and Jimmy Fallon. Carson dominated, revolutionized, and dictated late night TV for nearly a generation. His contributions to Late Night will remain unmatched forever!
Recently, I heard a little of his Carnac bit on the radio and thought it would be fun to revive it for climbing!
So, I focused all my power as a writer for theDIHEDRAL and used it to harness the secret location of Funk and Wagnalls’ porch. Once there, I found that old mayonnaise jar filled with envelopes hermetically sealed envelopes containing unseen questions from our dear readers, letters I will attempt to answer as “Carrotnac – Sorcerer from the North”.
A: Mount Baldy1
Q: What did Mrs. Yul Brynner do on her Honeymoon?
A: Micro Penis (My crow penis)2
Q: What does a crow call his penis?
A: Take!
Q: What does the climbing gym do to your wallet every month?
A: Send it!
Q: What does the climbing gym demand you do with your money every month?
A: 5.11+
Q: What is the minimum height for a guy I’m trying to date?
A: Gaston
Q: Is there a more polite way to say “you were farted on”?
A: Camalot (Cam a lot)
Q: What does a climber do on their first trad climb?
A: A jug
Q: What is an appropriate amount of alcohol to celebrate sending a project?
A: Off-Width
Q: What did the Queen of Hearts like to do with heads?
A: Piton
Q: What would happen at a golden shower?
And also few Carrotnac curses for the answers that you didn’t like!
- May a family of pigeons nest in your chalk bag.
- May every route you project be retro-graded to a 5.8.
- May the guy with the Bluetooth speaker always pick the boulder next to you.
- May all your cruxes be filled with slopers.
- From the Johnny Carson show.
- The bit I heard on the radio.
I watch him on YouTube still! No one like him to this day!
That is so cool!!! I wonder how he would do in comparison with today’s night show hosts?
ME TOO!
I love all of this. Nothing like bad climbing (and sex) puns and a strange TV memory to perk up a dark, rainy Wednesday. Thank you!!!!
HAHA, strange TV memory is a perfect way to put it, if someone told me that in 2026 would try to relate a Johnny Carson bit to climbing I would have dismissed them as insane!
He was classic! I remember watching him back in the day. Enjoyed your take, but of course it’s difficult to top the master.
Carnac was magnificent! Miss Johnny