The Crag Gazette

If you read my last post, you met Carnac the Magnificent and his apprentice, Carrotnac, Sorcerer from the North. I’m staying in late night this time, but moving to the man who eventually took over Johnny’s desk: Jay Leno.

Leno hosted The Tonight Show from 1992 to 2009, handed it to Conan O’Brien for a few months, and then took it back from 2010 to 2014.

Long before he got the desk, Leno started a bit called “Headlines,” while guest hosting for Johnny Carson. Viewers from all over the world sent in real newspaper clippings that went sideways thanks to a typo, an unlucky photo placement, or a sentence somebody should have read one more time before it went to print.

Some of the best were the wedding announcements. Two perfectly nice families would join their perfectly nice last names into something nobody should ever have to sign on a mortgage.

Unfortunately, the climbing world doesn’t have a newspaper. We have Mountain Project comment sections, trail registers, and the whiteboard at the gym’s front desk. So, I did what any responsible climber would do: I made one up. Below are “clippings” from the very unreal newspaper The Crag Gazette, delivered fresh to your Sprinter Van for your entertainment.

Headlines:

• “LOCAL CLIMBER DECLARES FIRST ASCENT FROM COMFORT OF COUCH”
• “FOUND: OLD SACK FILLED WITH NUTS”
• “COMPETITION LOST: RUBBER SLIPS OFF DURING FINAL MOVE”
• “CRAG REPORT: BOULDERERS STRUGGLE TO GET OVER GIANT BULGE”
• “NEW CLIMBING GYM FOSTERS LEAD-CLIMBING WITH HUGE JUGS AT THE TOP OF EVERY ROUTE”
• “EXPERIENCED CLIMBER PRAISED FOR HIS CRACK TECHNIQUE”

The Crag Gazette also does marriage announcements!

Marriage Announcements:

• The Roper-Leg Wedding (This one actually appeared on the show!)
• The Tite-Belair Wedding (Sounds like a safe couple)
• The Hardy-Whipper Wedding (Should be an exciting journey)
• The Arid-Choss Wedding (It has potential)
• The Loch-Gates Wedding (This is a safe bet)
• The Long-Haul Wedding (Made to last)
• The Taut-Knotts Wedding (They aren’t going anywhere)

No imaginary climbing newspaper based on Jay Leno’s Headlines would be complete without typos!

Typos and Phrasing:

• “REI Sells Out of Caribbeaners” (Do they sell cruises?)
• “Free Soloist Says Ropes Are for the Week” (Free soloing only on weekends!)
• “Teen Free Solos 5.12; Mom Says “Your Grounded”” (That is the end of that.)
• “Search Party Locates Lost Climbers Using Map” (Who found who?)
• “Local Climbers Hold Public Meeting on Bolt Replacement” (Strong Bolt!)
• “Local Crag Suspends Top-Rope” (????)

The fake newspaper that no one knew they never wanted!  On behalf of our team, I am sorry and you are welcome!