I would like to start this post by pointing out that this time it will be an atypical one. We normally write about ourselves and we have continuously used this platform to share with you our deepest struggles and our greatest accomplishments. Today, stemmed from the previous mentioned, I would like to challenge you to do some introspection and to focus on yourself. What is it that makes you feel the most ? How do you connect ? How do we connect ?
Less than six years ago, I was going through one of the most challenging stages of my life. It was a time filled with grief, violence, regret, and disappointment. I was disoriented, had low self-esteem, and was completely traumatized. The scars of those years are still visible and I am in a constant search for inner peace and forgiveness. More than anything and more than anyone, I want to finally learn to forgive myself. Although I have come a long way and I am happy with the person I have become, I am sporadically haunted by the sneaky and mischievous ghosts of the past.
As a former victim of physical and psychological abuse, I have unconsciously shut myself off. Every time I believe I have taken two steps forward, I take one back. I struggle to feel, to trust, to connect. Healing takes time and, although painful, it can also be a beautiful process. I would like to share with you part of my introspection, because -today- I focus on bodies and the importance of feeling.
Many times I ran with bleeding feet, empty aching stomach, menstrual cramps, and weak ankles. I was hurting, I was desperate, and the anxiety took all of my breath away. The mountains gave me shelter and had a curious way to scold me and hug me at the same time. I appreciated that quality and was immensely grateful for it. However, back in those days, little did I stop to check on my burning blisters or my aching feet, I was so in my mind, I forgot that my body was -in a way- there. I wonder now if that was a way for me to block away the pain, and not the obviousness of the moment, but the one I was experiencing in that stage of my life. I was so obsessed with trail running, I reached a point where I was being irresponsible and not taking proper care of my body. I wanted to block away all of the pain and was successful at it. I must point out that all of this goes beyond me ignoring a blister to get all the way to the finish line, it represents my evasion of the time and my desperate need to disconnect.
I feel the most through touch, I connect and disconnect through it. As a physical person, when the body is hurt, its ability to connect shuts down. Today I work on feeling, to the touch and to the soul.
Thank you for being part of our journey. I would love to read you and know in how many other ways we can feel and most importantly, connect.